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jacquline
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Default May 19, 2019 at 08:33 AM
  #1
Does anyone besides myself have ADHD who is in Menopause? I am currently experiencing relationship issues. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 26, after I married my husband of almost 27 years. We had a turbulent first 10 years. My husband told me that he has felt mistreated for most of the 27 years of our marriage. I have a very difficult time remembering what he is talking about but apparently, He says I was selfish and did not treat him right. My hubby is very supportive of me most of the time and he doesn't think I have paid attention to him like he has paid attention to me. I can see some of what he is saying. I often react badly to what he say's. I have a history from childhood of screaming, yelling and stomping up stairs. This behavior is still happening but not as much as it did as a kid (we don't have stairs now LOL). There is a lot of hurt that he feels and it seems the only way to solve it is to not react badly to the hurt feelings he is expressing. There is a lot of information that is not included that may shed more light on the issue but I do not have the time to include it. I want to work on myself and how I react to my husband. I am not putting any blame on anyone but myself and my husband is not the bad guy. Can any one identify or give me some pointers?
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H011yHawkJ311yBean
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Default May 20, 2019 at 12:43 AM
  #2
I found out I have full spectrum ADHD last year, at the age of 47!

Everyone’s case is different. I remember feeling like my mom didn’t care about me because I’d be talking to her and she’d interrupt and start talking to someone else, or she’d go do something else right in the middle of me talking. I’m pretty certain it means she has ADHD, too.

She also forgot boundaries. No matter how many times I’d tell her not to call our house, she was just so impulsive and her bad working memory made it nearly impossible to maintain.

She’d have trouble regulating her emotions and really fly off the handle. I rarely lose my temper anymore, but I stuff my feelings down because in the past my parents weren’t that great for role models. My dad kicked a hole in the closet door. My brothers punched holes in doors and walls. My mom threw a drawer of cutlery down the stairs once. Also would get in our faces/spaces and freak on us.

A lot of ADHD people don’t realize how they are behaving or how it impacts others around them.

Anyway, I found we have a local ADHD coaching/counseling center. It’s called the Learning Disabilities Association. There are coaches for both children AND adults who have ADHD.

I hope you have access to something like this. If not, it may even help to speak to a psychologist who uses CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). You would be surprised how “plastic” the brain is. You can change or modify your behaviour to make it easier for you to be mindful.

You don’t remember doing anything to intentionally hurt your husband: you are probably hurt that he thinks that you don’t love him or don’t show that you love him. You love him, but his perception of this was different.

You can also either go to a physician or get referred to a psychiatrist from a physician (or if your employer has benefits that cover that, they might have a list of approved psychologists and psychiatrists or other counselors. I have anxiety and depression for which I manage with medications prescribed by my psychiatrist.

Also, not sure if you have researched ADHD or read books, etc, but I will leave a few links that might help you or at least point you in the right direction.

Jessica McCabe videos:
YouTube

Relationship Stuff by said Jessica:
- Anger/Emotional Regulation:
youtu.be/9Aq7RNaB0DQ
- How ADHD Effects All Our Emotions: youtu.be/2kew2JhKq3Y
- Let’s Be Honest: youtu.be/XbyN8REIhMk
- Good Relationship “Rules” Part 1 youtu.be/iscw-a_fR98
- Part 2: youtu.be/cg_gte_ODMY
- ADHD and Choices:
youtu.be/AJwn0WrqAhI

To be honest, I could paste more, but this is probably more than enough.

———————
There’s also this guy, Rick Green. If you’ve ever watched the Red Green Show, well, he’s the Green part.

Rick’s videos: YouTube
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Default May 20, 2019 at 12:54 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by jacquline View Post
Does anyone besides myself have ADHD who is in Menopause? I am currently experiencing relationship issues. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 26, after I married my husband of almost 27 years. We had a turbulent first 10 years. My husband told me that he has felt mistreated for most of the 27 years of our marriage. I have a very difficult time remembering what he is talking about but apparently, He says I was selfish and did not treat him right.
I have adhd (and other stuff) and am in perimenopause. And I take medication for adhd. I would not be the person I am without medication. I have been on medication for nearly 20 years and have been married 23 years. I have never treated my husband "badly" but in reality, in a way I have. Stupid emotional fights associated with my untreated alcoholism and stuggles with bipolar has been no picnic for him. I have been sober for several years and I wasn't an alcoholic until 14 years into our marriage so the alcoholism was a short-lived hell for him and my kids.

Quote:
My hubby is very supportive of me most of the time and he doesn't think I have paid attention to him like he has paid attention to me. I can see some of what he is saying. I often react badly to what he say's. I have a history from childhood of screaming, yelling and stomping up stairs. This behavior is still happening but not as much as it did as a kid (we don't have stairs now LOL). There is a lot of hurt that he feels and it seems the only way to solve it is to not react badly to the hurt feelings he is expressing. There is a lot of information that is not included that may shed more light on the issue but I do not have the time to include it. I want to work on myself and how I react to my husband. I am not putting any blame on anyone but myself and my husband is not the bad guy. Can any one identify or give me some pointers?
Are you medicated to treat your adhd? Have you ever been?

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Default May 22, 2019 at 07:53 PM
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Sounds like you were married and started a family at a normal age. By the time I was 24, I realized yes, I have minor ADHD problems that were not an interference with my life at the time. Now that I am in my early 30s, surprisingly they effect me more than ever. I do my color coding, note-taking and normal organization and hope to remove all distractions soon so I may go back to living a normal and peaceful way. Life is also more difficult not having the same social groups to go out with and enjoy the subtitles of life with, but alas, moving on with my day has become easier not having to constantly be checking in with everybody.
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jacquline
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Default May 23, 2019 at 08:32 PM
  #5
Hi, yes, I have been on ADHD off and on since I was 26, I am now 52. I have a poor self esteem, however, I am not like I was at 26. I think I know what the issue may be but I can't seem to change it. We are going to counseling right now. My husband has some PTSD and other issues from his 1st marriage. His wife took his child away and took all of the money he was saving for a vacation. That was over 35 years ago but he is still dealing with some issues.
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gypped
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Default Feb 27, 2020 at 10:51 PM
  #6
I was diagnosed with ADHD but I never really felt it was the correct diagnosis. I actually have Borderline Personality Disorder, and from the symptoms you described, it sounds like this may be a possibility for you, too. I'm not a doctor, so I can't diagnose but . . . when you described the childhood screaming, etc., I completely related to that. There are pictures of me having meltdowns as a child, and usually it was over something really dumb. I would completely overreact; just snap. After I was done having a "tantrum," I'd be exhausted and embarrassed about my behavior, and swear I'd never do it again, but of course . . . y'know. Many people incorrectly label those with BPD as being selfish, immature, and manipulative, and we're really not. The way I deal with things is largely out of my control most of the time! It might be worth looking into the possibility that you may have BPD.
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