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Trig Aug 08, 2019 at 01:45 AM
  #1
It's been a long time coming for this thread because I've had this condition for as long as I can remember. In the beginning of last year, I went to the gyno to finally get it diagnosed, if anything just for the peace of mind of knowing I wasn't imagining things or whatever. Well, he told me straight up I had vaginismus. After a checkup he determined there was nothing physical that could be causing it, and told me that my treatment would be mainly going to therapy, and also prescribed me with Fluoxetine (Prozac). There was also a cream meant for women with menopause (I think?) that was supposed to make self-lubrication easier or something like that. This cream you were supposed to insert via a little tube (not sure about the name, it's like a syringe without the needle). As you can imagine, it was pretty difficult for me to do that. I basically had to sit there before going to bed with my legs parted and talking myself into doing what I had to do, and there was still a lot of physical resistance.

The feeling of vaginismus, at least in my experience, it's as if you were trying to put your finger (or in that case the tube or whatever else) into a hole that isn't actually there, and there is just bones or a strong muscle there. I don't feel pain unless I try to force a finger inside. There is a bit of give once I've been there a while and convincing myself that what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing. That is basically all the progress I've made in the last year, just knowing that it can be done with enough patience and peace.

The few people I've told about this were, over anything else, rather surprised that he prescribed me Prozac on the first appointment. I simply trusted him on it because he is a doctor after all, but I guess I do understand why some people would think it ideal to tell me to start with only a lubricant or what have you. Even my therapist was a bit taken aback by the fact that he prescribed me with that. Now, with her I discussed more than just the vaginismus itself, but of course she kept going back to it. On a certain session at some point, as we were talking about my boyfriend, she was telling me about how I was lucky that he specifically understood it and wasn't impatient, but that I wouldn't necessarily find that with another boyfriend. Guess what, I've recently broken up with this boyfriend, and this conversation came back into my mind today. She was trying to convince me that vaginismus was an issue that I did have to take care of and not just ignore it as if it would go away by itself (which I clearly had been doing because it had been a long time, but in my defense most of that time I had been underage and well, what was I supposed to do, ask my mom to take me to the gyno because my vagina won't give?).

Regardless, the comment suck with me. The knowledge that in fact, another guy would maybe not be as patient. But in hindsight, I do feel that it was wrong for her to say this, because it's not something I should do for the sake of a future boyfriend I don't even know, but because I *should* be the one to want it for the sake of it.

I'm not as frustrated with the condition itself as much as the fact that it doesn't make sense. Whenever you research on this topic, the most mentioned 'causes' or origins of vaginismus are things like past trauma (specifically sexual), being raised in a family with strict religious views on sex, etc. I don't have any memories of being sexually (or otherwise) abused at all, and my close family aren't particularly strict when discussing or thinking of sexuality. And again, it's something I've had since childhood, maybe infancy. It's as if I was some sort of congenital condition I was *meant* to have, as if I am simply not *meant* to have sex. Obviously it's irrational, but I have to admit it's a subtle feeling I've had about this condition. And well, as I discussed often with this therapist, I do feel shame about sex and my genitals specifically. I feel ashamed after watching porn, after masturbating, generally when thinking of sex, one of my biggest fears is being considered a **** or a *****.

This has caused me to think that I might be, at least partly, lying to myself when I tell myself I do want to get 'cured'. I mean, what for? So I can have sex and then feel guilty about not being a virgin anymore? So I can worry about pregnancy (even with using a condom) and STDs? Or maybe so I can simply masturbate in peace without limits, but also, how much pleasure can I get from that anyway, and again, just to feel more shame?

And on top of that, people don't know about vaginismus. My therapist didn't know what it was, I had to explain it and she still had misconceptions. The first time I explained it to my then boyfriend, he basically was convinced for a while that it *was* somehow something that I could just control in a matter of minutes with a bit of will and want. I know it's a relatively rare condition, but I would like to know what your experiences are if someone else does have that, and I'm also glad to have been able to write it all down in the first place.

Last edited by bluekoi; Aug 08, 2019 at 10:57 AM.. Reason: Profanity edit.
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Default Oct 09, 2019 at 06:05 PM
  #2
I know what it is. And had it too long. Actually what helped me the most was seeing a physical therapist who worked to release the muscles. And I had a therapist through it. The PT took quite a while and you'd need to find one with expertise with PC muscles.
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Default Oct 31, 2019 at 12:22 AM
  #3
I am lucky not to have it, but have heard a lot about it. I am surprised that Prozac was prescribed - there is a much older antidepressant, Elavil, that DOES have muscle-relaxant properties, but I have never heard of Prozac being used in that way. I hope you will find a way to both relax physically and rid yourself of shame psychologically.

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