daily check in for women

oh: I got a voting card in the mail today.

I'm not going to vote though.

I probably should, but yeah.., but honestly I'm sick of the whole brexit thing. I just wish they'd get it sorted.

Welcome @Waddledeedee

I had a rough morning but I feel okay now. Tonight I will probably work on one of my collections. That should keep me busy enough.

Thank you for your kind words. I am happy i found support here too.

I feel disappointed today. I'm trying to show myself compassion but my inner critic is trying to beat me up. I hope I can find a way to be kind to myself.

Today I worried a lot, but then the worries went away as I went through my day and everything worked out!

what collections do you have?

are they art collections?

yesterday I had to deal with a lot of traumatic memories and it was a bit much.

I spent the entire afternoon yesterday reliving abuse. not a nice way to spend it..

I am still feeling a bit shaky from that

today I'm listening to more christmas music.
20 days to go now

I'm getting away for a couple of days. I'm looking forward to it. It will be relaxing.

@Deilla I too hope you can be kind to yourself. Enjoy your getaway!

@Return To Sender I hope your worries continue to go away.

@raging vortex My main collection is postcards. I have all kinds and they range from being from the early 1900s to modern. Some of them feature art. I also collect stamps and artist trading cards. The artist trading cards are original works that are the size of baseball cards. I'm sorry to hear you had traumatic memories. I get them too and they are the worst. Yay for Christmas music!

I have been alright. Currently, it's 3 AM and I am up. I went to a new primary care doctor yesterday and she was very nice, even nicer than my old one.

today is national cookie day.

and I really want some cookies!.

2 words: chocolate chip. I love them.

who else likes cookies?

I also entered a compitition today: to win a chocolate hamper for christmas

MMM hope I win, or at least have given the correct answers

@88Butterfly88 Thank you! Although I'm already worrying about something else! it seems I can't get away from "catastrophe thinking". Guess what! This very minute the problem resolved itself!

@raging vortex I like cookies, but I'm more of a brownie kind of person! But...for a long time now I've been really wanting Nutter Butter cookies, and I'm afraid to get them since I'll eat them all! (Maybe I can offer my dad & stepmom some and then I won't have them all to eat! Hmmm...)

@raging vortex Yay for national cookie day! I love cookies but I recently gained a lot of weight so I'm trying not to eat too many. A chocolate hamper, interesting, I didn't realize such a thing existed. Sounds cool though.

@Return To Sender I am guilty of catastrophe thinking as well.

It's been a busy day but I finally managed to get a moment to relax. I am feeling less anxious than usual at the moment.

***I don't expect anyone to read this, it's kinda like a journal entry that I wanted to get out and express somewhere...here! Well I've been off Abilify for 4 days now, so as each day passes by, I'm realizing that Abilify was probably not the cause of my lack of sleep, so much browsing to shop online, and just a general excitedness, and feeling like even though I know I need sleep, I don't want to sleep. I want to stay up and I don't know why, I think I have been this way for a couple of months now, and before that I slept soundly and had no sleep issues except the rare late night or sleepness night that anyone might experience. I wonder what is wrong with me, or if medication has been doing it. I have to not think so because I was on Lamictal for years w/ no trouble, and I'm off Abilify now. Sigh...Maybe subconsciously I'm really worried about my Dad's visible failing health and it's getting to me. Maybe it's the Bipolar symptoms of hypomania or mania.

My PsychPA wanted to put me on Lithium, and I really wanted to because it seemed like just the thing to help treat my paranoia, and aggressive (verbal) behavior when I paranoidly think I'm being deliberately hurt or someone is deliberately uncaring towards me. (It usually is sadly focused on people I care about that care about me.) Anyway, I said no to Lithium because with my Dad's failing health, going out and driving me around to get blood tests for Lithium is something he would probably ask my stepmom to do. And I don't want my stepmom to do it either because she has enough to deal with right now and she's uncomfortable driving around in the big SUV to places she's not familiar with. And I don't drive. (To be honest, I don't have the energy myself to be starting a med right now that needs to be closely monitered in the beginning because I think there would be a lot of driving around to the hospital(blood tests) and to the place where my PsychPA and counselor are. I don't think it would be a seamless thing at all, so I don't want to deal with it right now.)

My PsychPA then suggested Vraylar, and it sounded fine except there is no generic version yet and the cost would be so expensive to Medicaid(a.k.a. Working America's tax dollars, and would cost more than I get in a whole year from SSI!) that I wouldn't feel comfortable taking that. So...I went on Wellbutrin. (I asked my PsychPA if I could try that, and she said ok because I was still on my mood stabalizer(Lamictal) and she said we would try Vraylar if I wasn't doing well.) (I only found out about the cost of Vraylar after I got home and looked it up.) When I saw her I thought I had a real breakthrough in getting better, so I seemed on the mend, but that wasn't the case. It wasn't a breakthrough, more like just a shaft of light piercing the darkness that I saw for one day! And from what I understand, Wellbutrin is a distant cousin to amphetamines, so that may be the reason that I don't have as much of an interest in food or have as much of an appetite as I usually do for the past few days, but I feel good. Maybe a little bit like I'm on caffeine, but it's not really a problem right now since I don't mind feeling like this, and sadly I'm getting used to not sleeping enough. Maybe Wellbutrin isn't enough to help me with my issues since it's an anti-depressant and not an antipsychotic. I don't know, we'll see what happens.

My time away was nice. I got hooked on Christmas music. They played it at the hotel on the patio while I was vaping. I've got holiday tunes stuck in my head now lol! I had yummy food and good sleep. I saw my mom and sister for dinner last night. I just really missed my cats. But they are just fine. They ate all their food. I had auto-feeders set up. Can't wait to snuggle with them.

Hi @Deilla! Your time away sounds delightful, and I'm glad you had such a nice time! Christmas music too!

I'm a little disturbed because starting yesterday, I noticed that when I type or write and have to refer to myself, I've been interchangeably using the words "you" and "I", not sure of which one to use. It's scary because it used to be clear to me when to use "you" or "I", but now things seem more muddled and harder for me to figure out. Also, writing (specifically sentence structure) is becoming more difficult to manage. I have to think more carefully about how to write what I want to say.

Questions on my mind:

1.) Would this problem be remedied by proper sleep? Am I just exhausted, overtired, excited and therefore having problems focusing, concentrating and thinking?

2.) Am I losing my sense of self? Am I beginning to have an identity crisis? Here is the link to an article I just found at verywellmind.com in case you are interested! What It Means to Be Having an Identity Crisis

3.) When people would say, "Just be yourself!" I would internally laugh thinking, "Which one?" I've never been diagnosed with Dissociative identity disorder, but I am very well aware of my chameleon-like qualities, and that probably has something to do with why I don't know who the real "me" is.

I have only had 3 lab draws for lithium now one in 6 months. I think I am doing well on it.
I personally don't think welbutrin is good for you. You are having s/s og hypomania and antidepressants can push over the edge. and You are not sleeping!!!!!!!!!!!you need to sleep.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Hello dear @bizi! Thank you for your thoughtful response! From what you said about the blood draws, I'm thinking that I am probably exaggerating the trouble that blood draws for Lithium would be. I have to think about that!
As far as Wellbutrin is concerned, I asked my PsychPA if I could go on it to help me quit smoking. She agreed to it with a qualifier, that if it wasn't helping me or if I got worse, we could try Vraylar(which I wrote about in the post.) If Wellbutrin doesn't start to help me with smoking by Tuesday, then I'll probably be getting off of it anyway. What does s/s og mean?

It was a typo.
s/s could mean signs and symptoms of hypomania.
ask about geodon as an antipsychotic. IT is weight neutral.
I did not know that you were trying to quit smoking....good dfor you! I never started and with my addictive personality I am sure that I would never been able to stop. good for you for trying...
I chew gum a lot and drink my stevia sweetened ginger root beers or cream sodas. Love them they are great!
bizi