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brimaiski
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Trig May 26, 2020 at 12:05 AM
  #1
TW: rape, alcohol, drugs

I don't know how explicit I'm allowed to be here. Last night I went to a guy's apartment. I've known him a while and we've had consensual sex a few times. The assumption last night was that there would be sex. I had one drink, and felt drunk really quickly. He was smoking and offered me some, and I smoked a little as well. Shortly after, I started to feel REALLY out of it. It felt like reality was slipping away and like I couldn't feel time. Like it felt like I wasn't really there and nothing was real. One moment I was sitting on the couch and the next we were in the bed having sex. I don't remember it being initiated or how we got to the bed. I remember realizing that he wasn't wearing protection and I panicked and started to tell him no, not cool. He KNOWS from past experience that I'm not okay with that. He out his hand over my mouth and I blacked out. When I came to again he was trying to..um (again, not sure how explicit I can be???) go in the "back door." Again, NOT OKAY WITH ME. I remember mumbling "No, I don't like that" and he started choking me. I blacked out again. When I came to he had me engaging in oral sex. Which I haven't done with him yet and was JUST telling him the other day takes a while for me to feel comfortable doing. I blacked out again and when I came back around he was finishing on my face, which was humiliating and gross. I didn't like that at all. He left me sitting on the floor and I was still SO out of it and started crying. He kind of laughed and brought me water and a towel and then flopped down on the couch and started playing games on his phone. I wanted to call someone to come get me but I remember I couldn't move and didn't know where my phone was. I fell asleep. I woke up briefly to him on top of me and us having intercourse. I fell back asleep. I woke up this morning feeling physically fine. He acted totally normal and friendly like nothing weird had happened. I told him I wanted to leave, got dressed, and he grabbed me and pulled me onto to the bed and said "You can leave after some fun." I viscerally panicked and said "no no no I feel sick I want to leave. " He kept pushing and I pushed back and said "I'M SERIOUS" And he said "okay, fine" and took me home and said nothing else about it.
I feel really freaked out and unsure how to process this. On the one hand, I went there for sex. On the other hand, he did a LOT that I was uncomfortable with and ignored me when I said no. AND I wa unconscious for a lot of it which is definitely not okay. I need help processing this. I feel really crappy and I'm completely alone right now. Please help me.
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Default May 26, 2020 at 12:34 AM
  #2
What he did is not ok and you have every right to not be ok with it. Once he took advantage of the fact you were impaired AND ignored you saying no it became rape regardless of what you went there for.

Whether you press charges or not I would at least go to the hospital or clinic to get checked out since he didn't use a condom.

About the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline | RAINN They have a number that will route you to a local rape crisis line if you need someone IRL to discuss this with. If you aren't ready to talk to someone IRL then please keep reaching out here. I'm so sorry for what you went through and still are going through.

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Default May 26, 2020 at 04:39 PM
  #3
Call the police and make a report. Did you take shower already. Hope not. But even if you did, you have clothes you were wearing? Don’t do laundry. Wait to make a police report and then follow what they tell you,. No matter why you went there. What happened was an assault and you were possibly drugged. Call police right now please. You’ll be helped.
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Default May 27, 2020 at 02:08 AM
  #4
Call the police asap.

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Default May 27, 2020 at 11:54 AM
  #5
Hey guys. I appreciate the help, but I'm not going to report this. The police in my city absolutely DO NOT care. I've been robbed at gunpoint, I've had my house broken into. When I was robbed the cops asked me "Well what were you doing out here at night anyway?" (I was walking to my car after night classes. It was like 7 pm. Screw me, right?) The crime rate here is 4x the national average. A few years ago a girl was pulled into a car, with witnesses, and gang-raped. There was camera footage and those guys STILL were not charged. A little girl was assaulted and murdered, with ample evidence, and her attacker was just released. Nope. I won't trust the justice system here with a rape that had no evidence, no witnesses, and where I willingly went to his apartment to hook up and drank and smoked. That is never in a million years going to lead to a conviction. And I know that he has friends and people and that he knows where I live. Sorry, I want to stay alive here. And I don't want the whole world picking apart this horrible time in my life and making it worse.
I would really love some support on the emotional end though. Strategies for moving forward, dealing with panic attacks, handling flashbacks..
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Default May 27, 2020 at 10:03 PM
  #6
A therapist would be able to help you with through all this. I think that's the best approach. But maybe folks here with similar experiences can offer some support, too. I'm so sorry you went through that and am glad you're here.
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Default May 28, 2020 at 06:11 AM
  #7
I am so sorry. What he did was absolutely wrong. At no point did you give consent for any of the other things and you explicitly told him no as well.

I so empathize with you. I want to say that justice is the way to go. I had a bad experience in which I reported and it blew up in my face. It became so turned around and I was so humiliated by the system. All of the things that you've mention were like the things that were thrown back into my face. Why this? Why that? What did you wear? Why?

Blessings to you and I wish for your healing. I know it is not easy road.
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Default May 28, 2020 at 08:16 AM
  #8
I see I got the wrong smilie when I posted. So sorry. I meant the sad hug one.

How are you today? We are here to listen, dear one.
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Default May 28, 2020 at 02:37 PM
  #9
First, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Second, I think you should see a counselor or therapist who specializes in sexual violence. RCC of Central New Mexico has a phone number you can call. They're at 9741 Candelaria Rd. NE

I hope you can heal from this.
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Default May 30, 2020 at 01:30 AM
  #10
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Originally Posted by Travelinglady View Post
I see I got the wrong smilie when I posted. So sorry. I meant the sad hug one.

How are you today? We are here to listen, dear one.
I'm struggling. I told my family (mother sister and aunt) about what happened and that I needed their support. My sister (younger, 19 yo) has a history of attention-seeking behavior. Any time my brother or I have issues going on that cause our mother to spend more time on one of us, she has some kind of epic meltdown or fiasco. I told my mom last night. My sister was present for that. Today she had a huuuuuge meltdown. I came home (we're roommates) to find that she'd dumped all her lithium pills on the floor (I counted them back into the bottle and she hadn't taken any)and was laid out on her bed like she was dying. She was just high on weed but she had a whole screaming meltdown and I called my mom to handle it because I just couldn't. And now I'm being told that I'm selfish and non compassionate because she "truly wanted to die" (she didn't even take anything o.O) and I'm feeling like I can't trust her. I can't trust her to let me need support and care. I can't trust her to be home alone with my dog (what if he had eaten the pills?!). I can't trust her not to take things and make them about herself. It's toxic and I'm really angry about it. Tonight she's staying with my mom and I'm all alone.
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Default Jul 25, 2020 at 12:41 PM
  #11
Okay maybe have a cup of hot chocolate and go to the police and just talk to them its not your falt the next time you see him give him a txt message and say that you feel sick and do not want to talk to him be kind and say good bye-go to the police and tell them that you love him but hes too pushy..You can go without sex don't worry about that.

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Default Jul 25, 2020 at 02:36 PM
  #12
I wonder if you can speak privately with your mother when you need to speak with her.
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Default Jul 25, 2020 at 03:11 PM
  #13
Without having ever been the victim of sexual violence, I can only do my best to offer empathy and support.

First off, please don't allow yourself to fall into the trap of self-blame. He clearly drugged you and took advantage of your impairment; this is unambiguously his fault. He's an asshole and you just got unlucky enough to be taken in by his deceptions. You're probably not the first and won't be the last.

Second, I definitely think it would be a good idea to contact RAINN or a local rape crisis center as suggested by others here, as they will be far more equipped to help you process this than any of us on this forum. I think they will also respect your anonymity if requested. I would love to be able to offer you effective advice or support, but I truly believe they will do a better job than I ever could.

Finally, I just want to say I'm sorry this happened to you. This loser is not a real man; he belongs in prison getting his own back door violated. Hopefully some day he will try this in a way that he gets caught and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. No one should be treated this way.

Keep your chin up. You sound like a very strong person and I have no doubt you will make it through this. Don't let the bastards grind you down.
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Default Nov 11, 2020 at 01:55 PM
  #14
So this is an update, months later. A LOT has happened. I remember a lot more from that night. It came back in flashes over time, and I was definitely assaulted. I've since been diagnosed with PTSS. It's been a hell of a struggle.

I'm also pregnant from the encounter. 27 weeks today.

Thank you for everyone who helped me right after. I think I processed this belatedly. The flashbacks and PTSS symptoms didn't start for a few months. Now they're in full swing. I'm also dealing with a lot with toxic family members. I feel like everyone is sick of me because there's such a deep well of issues to dive into all the time, there's always something. I appreciate the support here.
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Default Nov 12, 2020 at 02:51 AM
  #15
I'm sorry you aren't getting support from your family when you really need it It's normal for things like this to pop up later and be processed belatedly. I think when it first happens we try to rationalize it or we are just numb and then later the feelings pop up.

Sorry for what you have been through and are going through now.

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Default Nov 18, 2020 at 03:21 PM
  #16
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Originally Posted by brimaiski View Post
So this is an update, months later. A LOT has happened. I remember a lot more from that night. It came back in flashes over time, and I was definitely assaulted. I've since been diagnosed with PTSS. It's been a hell of a struggle.

I'm also pregnant from the encounter. 27 weeks today.

Thank you for everyone who helped me right after. I think I processed this belatedly. The flashbacks and PTSS symptoms didn't start for a few months. Now they're in full swing. I'm also dealing with a lot with toxic family members. I feel like everyone is sick of me because there's such a deep well of issues to dive into all the time, there's always something. I appreciate the support here.

Thank you for checking in. I hardly have words...I wish you and your baby well. I hope life becomes more peaceful for you.

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Default Nov 22, 2020 at 06:42 PM
  #17
Fight for your right !!!
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