Do I mess up on purpose?

I know what you're thinking: Why in the world would you do that?

Many factors, actually. Here's the thing.

I am burned out and beyond sick to death of working in food service and I'm in a state where I value my mental health and sense of safety and control over my life over money.

My depression has been at its worst in years and I feel like this is more than I can take.

I recently started working as a waitress, food runner and busser in a restaurant and it's brought me nothing but misery. They aren't willing to accommodate my schedule needs, the staff is rude to me and either talks to me like I'm completely stupid or snubs me when I try and join in/initiate friendly conversation, never says hello or goodbye to me even when I do and make it clear that they're all buddy-buddy and I'm not welcome. I feel like a servant, not a server. Which isn't the worst thing in the world as I'm there for my paycheck, but I don't even feel appreciated.

I've also realized that this position is not for me.

I'm only 91 lbs with no muscle tone (I've been ill over winter/spring and it kept me from working out), I cannot lift both giant trays of food and the setting trays to place it on at once. My boss already mocked me and made me setting the tray at the tables first before coming back with the food seem like a problem and asked, "how are you going to work here if you can't carry the food?", my coworkers conveniently swoop in and steal tips from the tables meant for me while I was working five times harder than them and they were playing the "looking busy and pretending to work" game and I get told to do things I just did. I get falsely accused of standing around by my superiors and it's just too much pressure. Food service isn't my calling, after 7 years of transitioning from restaurant to restaurant and I am so genuinely miserable I'm having to push through my life. I'm missing time with my family, I'm anchored at home and dreading work on my one rare day off and can never leave the city and it affects the quality of my home life. I can never eat real cooked meals because I'm working from afternoon until almost midnight and barely manage to scarf down a prepackaged salad on my 10 minute break. To me, it's not worth it.

The other night, I got THROWN UP ON by a customers' 7 year old kid in front of everyone in the restaurant, in the middle of the lobby. I was waiting tables and as they were getting up to leave, the kid randomly projectile vomited all over the floor right behind me and it splattered on my uniform, etc. I had to leave my shift early to get cleaned up, nobody apologized to me and they just stared, it was ultimately sickening and humiliating. I cried so hard on the way home and I was so upset, I reached a point of suicidal thoughts. I wanted to die, I was done with life and I am not usually like that. I'm genuinely not a suicidal person and that isn't my first thought when I'm upset, sad or even depressed but that was my breaking point and I was seriously tempted to drive into a tree or off the road or something because everything was too heavy on me, hurt too much and I feel trapped in life, like I can't escape.

I go back today, and I feel like I can't take any more. What I really want to do is quit, but my mom would never let me (I still live with her because the jobs I've had barely let me pay my phone/car insurance). I would be okay for the rest of this month if I didn't spend any more of my paycheck or found another job, and I've applied to several in retail and as a receptionist. Anyway... I have a good mind to "mess up" and make tons of stupid mistakes on purpose to feign incompetency so they have to "let me go". After all, it's true: I am not cut out for waitressing. It's more than what I can do and it's too taxing on me. I want out, I don't care about the money and I feel like that's the only way I'm going to survive the summer. I know I have seasonal jobs lined up and guaranteed in fall, and I'll be fine if I don't land another job until then even though I am actively pushing and looking to find another. I just need to get out of this ASAP because it's damaging my spirit and it's not even worth it. But really, I can't stay somewhere that makes me wish I was dead. I'm sick of crying all the time until I can't see anything positive left in m y life. I really want to screw up on purpose so they have to fire me and I can be free.

WWYD? Thoughts?

hey,
waitressing jobs are hard. and they are like a rite of passage. it seems everyone has to do at least one in their lifetime.

is this the same pizza place you wrote about before?
is this your first job?

"knowing " you have seasonal jobs lined up and "having" them are 2 different things.

personally while you may hate this job, it is a job..that pays. cash...something we all need. mom can only cover so much, and only should.

you are not going to like what I suggest but..i would stay with the job. yea it sucks, but it is work experience. there is no promise that your next one will be any better. welcome to customer service. dealing with people is always a crap shoot. kids throw up, bleed, yell, etc. it's why they call it "customer" service. learning to deal with it now will make your life easier in the long run..trust me. unless you do some weird job where you work in a closed office on computer stuff there is always going to be interaction with other people. learning to manage them is a skill everyone needs to con quer.

your body size will probably stay the same. I would suggest you learn how to better handle to tasks you need for the job. there is no promise the next job won't have you stacking things. I am very short and have asthma..i had to learn to work around my height and lungs to perform my duties. certain things can be adapted but if you accept a position they can not be expected to totally changer the entire skill set for you.

as for the yelling etc...if I recall you complained once before about them because of your hearing. maybe they yell because of that. maybe they assume you can't hear the hello/goodbyes? maybe they are as frustrated as you are and it isn't a good fit all around...given that...

screwing up enough to get fired….so not a good idea....great. no $$, no job. be the grown up keep working. when you need a work reference if they have to call that place you can bet it won't be a good one. staying, working until you get another position shows maturity.

just out of curiosity..why did you accept this position anyway? did you think you could handle the work?

everyone has had sucky jobs. trust me. it shouldn't be a reason for suicidal thoughts, it is just a job. go in, do the work, get the check, and keep applying .
you will find something else, but it is better to have a check and not depend on someone for $$ while you wait.

I'd get out, but secure another job before leaving.

What's available in your area?

I'm actively trying to get into a hippie/witchy/boho boutique I shop at frequently and they're hiring. They sell crystals, essential oils, incense, clothes and I would be in my element there. That's a more ideal job for me especially since I want fashion to be part of my career. I applied, talked to the manager and was dressed the part, he complimented my dress and they should be calling people back next week. I'm going in tomorrow to buy something so hopefully he's there and I can remind him I really want to work there. I've been wanting to for a while and I'm praying I get it. That would be much more ideal for me. They don't schedule daily, which would be great because I want to take classes for Microsoft Excel and technical programs to qualify for desk/office jobs and this current hellhole I'm in only gives me one day off per week (Monday) so I can't go anywhere, do anything or have a personal life. I'm PRAYING I get this job, I think it will be much more rewarding. I have plenty of experience in retail, too.