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abonemia
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 06:21 PM
  #1
I've been in my current job as a software developer for 2 years now and I'm not sure why but in the last months my performance really has gone downhill apparently. I've been unfocused and making way more small errors than usual. Also oversights, like not reading things properly or finishing tasks. I think it's mostly because I've been fighting with depression and some personal problems so I just haven't been able to focus normally.

Well now it happened a few times that coworkers commented on me having forgotten something or basically telling me I need to pay more attention. It's all still on a friendly or even joking level, and I haven't really gotten into trouble yet, still it sucks. Now I'm currently working on something more complex that I haven't really done before, and I asked a more experienced coworker to guide me a bit. At first he was friendly and said sure and showed me how to start. Then after a while I had another small question for him and he basically made a snide remark about how he should just do it himself, or if I want him to paint me a picture so I know how it works. I said 'no it's fine, I'll do it' and he was like 'yeah sure I can't wait to see'.

That dude is kind of an asshole anway. But I feel like sometimes at this job there's been the unfair assumption that I should just instantly know how something works even if I've never worked with it before, beyond what would be reasonable for my experience level. Still, I definitely feel like my 'brain performance' hasn't been great recently and I struggle with problems I would have figured out way faster normally.

So... this has chipped away at my self esteem and I feel like I'm getting dumber. I always used to be the student/worker who is pretty fast, learns well, good with logic, complex stuff etc - I've never been bad at anything like this, unless I really didn't care or try at all. But recently it's like my brain just abandons me with these kinds of things. By now, every evening when I think of next day's work, I feel this sinking feeling and a small rush of anxiety because I feel like I'm not performing as well as I should and maybe people think I'm too dumb for this job.

Thing is, I'm leaving my current job anyway and will start something new in September, but now I worry even more, because obviously I'll wanna be on my best behaviour for that and right now it feels like I might just disappoint them and maybe not make it past a few months.

Anyone dealt with this before? This is totally new, I've never really had issues like this in school or work. I wish I knew why I'm so scatterbrained lately...
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Smile Jul 09, 2019 at 02:39 PM
  #2
I think I probably experienced a lot of this over the years although, at the time, I didn't realize what was going on. And, as time passed, it simply became my normal. Here are links to a couple of articles, from PC's archives, on the cognitive effects of depression that may be of interest:

The Cognitive Symptoms of Depression

Strategies for Improving the Cognitive Symptoms of Depression

Best wishes for success in your upcoming new job!

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Default Jul 12, 2019 at 03:47 PM
  #3
Hi, I thought I'd throw a few ideas your way.

Dof you have an EPA? Contact them about this and get the ball rolling for claiming some stress leave. No EPA? Then see your doctor who will do the same. Don't wait for it all to come crashing to a fall.

Be gentle on yourself. You are worth it. You are worth taking a bit of time off work. No one is going to think any less of you if you do. And, is this not better than the alternative?
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