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WpgMom
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Default Jul 11, 2019 at 05:49 PM
  #1
I have vacation coming up in a couple of weeks and I don't know what to do. Last summer it was horrible. I went to the lake by myself and spent all my time in a dark bedroom with my work laptop. I even slept with it. I tried going outside but even seeing the beautiful sun and lake out the window just made me cry.
I am so miserable at work and I feel like when I am at the office I can bury myself in the work and just move through day after day and try to ignore it. Taking vacation reminds me how unhappy I am . I am afraid if I take my vacation I won't have it in me to go back to work at the end. I also have a lot of anxiety worrying that things are going badly at work if I am not there.
So I want to tell my boss that I am going to skip my vacation but I know she will get really mad at me and I don't think I can take her yelling at me about that either.
So what do I do? Go on vacation and suffer again this year or start a big fight with my boss and get yelled at and maybe just skip vacation (or more likely, give in when she gets mad at me so I end up still taking a miserable vacation but with the bonus of being yelled at first)
On top of it, I won't be able to be alone this year if I take time off because my husband will be there with me this time. He will want to cheer me up. I don;t want to be cheered up.
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Default Jul 11, 2019 at 06:13 PM
  #2
I guess I don't understand why going on vacation in general makes you miserable -- or going on vacation with your husband or kids would make you miserable too?

Taking vacations should be your time to decompress from your work and from life in general. Have you ever taken a vacation where you did an activity like go to a winery, or to Disneyland or on a cruise or go travel abroad?

Why don't you want to be cheered up?
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Default Jul 11, 2019 at 06:17 PM
  #3
Would it help to do a "staycation" where you just stay home but don't work. I like doing that sometimes.
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Default Jul 12, 2019 at 03:14 AM
  #4
Do you have to take vacation? Does it have to be at the same time every year or did you put in for the time off?

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Default Jul 12, 2019 at 09:16 AM
  #5
These days a lot of companies are frowning on staff not using their mandated vacation time. It used to be that you could work through it and get paid out for the time you didn't take. But that ends up costing the employer more money. So yes, one is encouraged to take time off ----- there are solutions to this however.

Talk to your employer about other options. I highly doubt you are going to have a confrontation.

Options?

Some employers will allow you to work your designated time off into your regular work week. An example would be working a four-day work week. Another solution might be working a shortened work day. Do you feel you could approach your boss with such suggestions. I once had a great deal of ETO coming my way so I worked a spring and summer getting every Friday afternoon off.

BUT...

I really think you need to address just why you wish to avoid taking time off in the first place. I admit, I fail to understand this. Any respectable employer would be making steps to ensure the work gets done without you - at least that which is a priority.

The way I see it you deserve this vacation time of yours. Others in your workplace take theirs and there are obviously no repercussions so why would it be so bad if you took yours?

I say take the time off to regroup yourself and hopefully enjoy it. Leave your laptop and work phone at home.
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Default Jul 13, 2019 at 02:56 PM
  #6
I have thought a lot about why vacation is so hard. I think it is because then I have to be in my own head. At work I put on podcasts and get into a spreadsheet and my mind is too busy. When I leave whether I am on vacation or just trying to go to bed I have to live with my own thoughts. It's too hard. The lake, or home or anywhere just reminds me of all I am missing. I used to love swimming, running, kayaking, people. I am a people person but I have nothing left. I am like an old dishrag. When I try to force myself to do any of it the headache, chest pains and shortness of breath just stop me. At work I can just stay numb. I don't know how to explain this toy boss. She is the kind of person who seems angry most of the time. Everyone here should be familiar with the person who thinks getting mad at someone with depression will somehow fix it. I think she means well but yelling at me will not make things better.
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Default Jul 16, 2019 at 09:33 AM
  #7
I am sorry your boss is not the encouraging type. A shame you are not rewarded in some way for your hard work and dedication.

WpgMom - I must ask, do you have a partner in your life? I ask because for a few years I found myself in a similar rut. I too was once incredibly active outdoors. When I got sick that all seemed to stop (these things like kayaking, climbing, and camping) took money I didn't have and thus I watched these things happen to other people and got terribly depressed. Then things changed in my personal life, namely enter a wonderfully supportive partner, and doing these things was once more within my grasp. But, I was scared to do them. Several more years went by always with excuses. I was convinced my weight gain meant I couldn't get in a kayak or that medication affected my ability to balance. I was convinced some disaster would befall me if I went camping. Hiking seemed so out of reach, and so on. I was overwhelmed. People kept telling me to do these things I once loved and even though I was desperate to do them I gave excuse after excuse after excuse.

SO what changed? I took a leap of faith in myself. Last year I bought myself a little tent trailer my car could pull. Spending that kind of money I would feel guilty not using it. It was hard that first trek out but I proved to myself I could not only do it but enjoy it! This year has improved immensely. I continue to get the support encouragement from my husband but the difference is that now I listen to it. This summer? I've been out camping three times already with three more treks planned. And, guess what? I have a kayak on the roof rack! All this because I said screw it and took a plunge to do it.

I really get the sense of being overwhelmed by it all. I also get that sticking with the known (in this case your work) no matter if it be difficult is easier than extending one's self to try the unknown. It starts, I found in my own experience, with making a commitment to yourself. That commitment can be small. It will grow exponentially with each old or new thing you do. Hopefully you have a person in your life to share these things with.

I am going to suggest you start with water as it seems to have a great deal of meaning for you. I am not a swimmer but from those I know who do I understand it is a 'freeing' experience. But I AM and kayaker. I am sure you will agree that paddling out on the water is almost a spiritual experience. Being out there on one's own surrounded by water is an incredibly meditative and therapeutic experience. I am sure in your gut you miss this. Doing so after having had a break is daunting I know but I encourage you to give it a try. Is there water close by? Is it possible to rent a kayak for a half hour or so. All it takes is extending yourself and trying. You have an entire forum worth of people behind you who've got your back.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 11:07 AM
  #8
I have been with my husband for over 30 years and we had our challenges in the past, some really big ones, but he is wonderful now. He understands and is ready any time of day to support whatever I need, whether I want to work out, sit and cuddle or spend the day crying in the bedroom.
There is no external physical barrier to me doing the things I used to love. I go to the lake every weekend. The water is 50 feet in front of the door. The kayaks are sitting right there on the boathouse wall. my goggles and cap are right there in the drawer.
All of it is a trigger. Just sitting here at my desk thinking about how wonderful it is starts the tears flowing and causes my chest to get tight and my arms and legs feel numb. When I go to the lake, the sight of the water, sand and sun make me cry. It just reminds me how miserable I am. It's like I need to get things "fixed" at work and everyone is plotting against me and I can't relax until work is "fixed" but, of course, that's never how it goes, that's why it's called work. :-)
I am kind of surprised how well this forum is working. I'm not feeling any better but just from your questions and having to think and type out my answers I am starting to at least understand what is bothering me. My need to be at work seems to be a need to deal with or fix all my problems because if I don't I can't really relax. I can't feel I am leaving things unfinished. I still don't know what the solution is. I am still pretty sure if I try to take time off everything beautiful around me will just remind me of how awful it is.
I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your support though and just the understanding. Knowing we can all understand what it's like is really a blessing. Thank you.
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 09:08 AM
  #9
I think I am starting to understand and appreciate where you are coming from.

I think though too that you are storing them up and now it has become incredibly overwhelming.

Do you have a friend you can arrange a coffee date with? Maybe make a commitment to yourself for something to do each day. It doesn't have to be big - and it shouldn't be a chore either.

I just started a thread about nourishing Vs depleting activities. Even finding one small nourishing activity is going to help the scale balance between the two. Hopefully one happy activity will lead to another and so on.
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Default Aug 01, 2019 at 01:48 PM
  #10
OK, so I am starting holidays at the end of today. I am taking my laptop so I can log in. I am trying to look at it as a security blanket so if I start to feel anxious I can just log in and do some work or lurk around in my projects rather than full blown panic attack and drive back to work. I know it's not the ideal plan but I think it will work for me.
I am looking forward to this 1st weekend. My sister is coming with my little nephews (4 and 7 years old) so I will be too happy and busy to think about anything until Wednesday. Then I will worry about it.
Good advice about nourishing vs depleting activities. I will think about that for a bit.
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Default Aug 04, 2019 at 08:11 AM
  #11
WpgMom,

I am sorry I have been amiss in not responding as I should have been. I actually have been away for my own time away. I did so by myself incidentally which was really tremendous as not only did I enjoy the time but there was something satisfying and comforting out of having been able to do so on my own. The down time was quite good for me. It was good the realisation that I did not after all need other people to make me feel good and get things done. Self-reliance was a good lesson and I feel all the better for it. It increased my confidence. I admit though, against my better judgement, I did take my cell phone along. I did spend more screen time than I should have updating my good time. But heck, I needed it for safety reasons. I will just have to learn to keep it at Bay next time.

So your time away has begun. Perhaps as you have not added to the thread since that this is a positive indicator. Perhaps no news is good news then. My fingers are crossed for you.
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Default Aug 06, 2019 at 04:49 PM
  #12
Oh no. This is even harder than expected. My drunk of a brother's life exploded all over everyone in my family. My husband and son are trying to clean up his mess so not able to be with me. I would be there too but I had company arrive so had to deal with that. I woke up the 1st morning to all of that, my mom going to chemo and a work email that said they were, without any warning, changing my remote laptop access and I had to be at work connected to set it up. If I didn't have company I would have just cancelled my vacation and gone straight back into the office.
Company is leaving tomorrow so we'll see how I cope in the next few days but all I want to do is drive back to the city, go to my desk, put on my podcasts and bury myself in spreadsheets. I don't even want To go home at night. If I could get away with it I would sleep under my desk and never face the world.
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Default Aug 10, 2019 at 06:42 AM
  #13
With all of that happening on your vacation, I can see why you'd want to stay at the office! I'm sorry it turned out that way and hope you got a little bit of peace at some point.
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Default Aug 10, 2019 at 08:32 AM
  #14
Oh I am sorry this hasn't worked out. I had high hopes for you. I feel terrible they were dashed. I am thinking of you.
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Default Aug 10, 2019 at 09:32 AM
  #15
Thanks to everyone. I am still not at work so i am seeing that part as success. I think my anger toward my brother is stronger tham my anxiety.
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