Work stress is hurting me. How to change?

I’m not sure if this feeling will pass soon, but I am feeling worse and worse each day and I’m not sure how to resolve these issues at work.

I am sick to my stomach.
My sleep has been disturbed.
Teeth grinding then a terrible headache by my ear.
My thoughts bounce around in circles and I cannot problem solve because I am so anxious.

I keep thinking I have a handle on things, but then I get caught up not able to sleep again. My stomach is BURNING! I am not well!

My boss is playing games I feel, and trying to prove points (which she admits). she says she is working on “boundaries.” She goes around saying she is doing everyone’s job. She is always tooting her own horn, and complaining that no one understands anything but her. She says she can do everything faster than everyone else. She constantly says others (outside our office) aren’t that great at their job, or others don’t know what they are doing..on and on. She is always better than everyone else.

She is always wrestling with her ego and esteem. She is always making commentary.

She won’t see it, but it seems quite obvious to my coworker and I that she says one thing, and then she contradicts herself. You can’t keep up. She is so intense.

She talks to me a lot and wastes my time a lot, and then snaps at me whenever she says I am wasting her time.

She says disturbing things about others; which I try to be cool about because I know she is ultra competitive. But sometimes she goes too far with her critiques and can be very rude.

Her repeated outbursts of emotion and anxious stress and aggression have scrambled my brain at this point and for some reason the turmoil has brought me to feel like a complete incompetent waste of space at work. I don’t feel safe. I can be ridiculed and toyed with at her whim i fear. She praises me by putting down others. She acts like she is very irritated with me at times, and other times she bounces her thoughts and feelings off me. I can’t tell if she thinks I’m capable and not taking enough charge or speed..or if she thinks I’m clueless and she wants me to know it. I think she has some issue about connecting with others...she seems very superficial and backstabbing. But she can also be nice and generous..but what’s her motive? She’s moody!!

She says she is working too much and something has to give. I want to help and make things easier and better but I get paralyzed about making decisions that involve her, because she is so superior. I’m terrified of her at this point because she has my nerves so frazzled. I don’t want to be on her hit list. My insecurity about not having tons of experience makes things worse for me.

I hear so much negativity come from her sometimes which is so ironic because she is talking about positive energy and abundance, etc.

It’s amazing that I can vent this out but still gain no insight or find any permanent relief. What am I doing wrong Here?

My husbands annoyed with me it seems because I’m complaining about work and not sleeping well. He wants me to be fine. I WANT TO BE FINE! But how? How can I fix this?

Its happened a few times that I get anxious about something at work, and then the next day it turns out fine. But I feel like this is bigger. Like I’m going to crack too. The boss has portrayed that there are problems at work and she is digging to find out why. I feel afraid and I’m so tired of feeling afraid! I’ve lived a life of fear it seems! Always in the form of these types of personalities that torture me. I feel like I hate her. And that feels bad.

Oh dear... your boss sounds almost crazy and is totally toxic! Do you have a therapist? Are you on anti anxiety meds? If not, perhaps some meds may help calm your nerves so you can think clearly?

Can you distance yourself emotionally from your boss to protect yourself? Do you have a separate working space from her where you can keep your distance? Headphones?

Can you look for another job?

Thank you she really is over the top. I care for her in a way, and I empathize with her anxious condition, but she has that mean streak.
It seems that she can come whipping into my office whenever. I feel like I have to be accessible to her. I don’t think that can change.

All I can think of is to respectfully respond to her with my thoughts. I don’t think she can be ignored. so I have to learn to be direct and confident with her when she’s in her mood. But carefully. Normally I fawn I think.

I have had lots of counseling in the past and I do miss it. No meds, afraid to do that.

A new job would be lovely.

You have some good ideas. And you're right. We cannot change others' behaviors. We can only change how we react to their behaviors.

So if you feel you fawn too much, then pull back and strictly be professional. Remain professional whenever she is not.

Don't feed into her negativity towards others. Just politely nod and excuse yourself... pretend you have work to do.

I would minimize all negative interactions with her as much as possible, and just stick to your work... pretend to always be busy with your own work.

Above all else, just remain professional and keep an emotional shield up to protect yourself.

And yes, in the meantime, maybe you can find a counselor and also another job!

That's rough, Cardoony!

Unfortunately, bosses like this have been the bane of my life.

The worst one I ever had sounds just like this woman.

Sadly, no amount of figuring them out helped in any way.

With my CPSTD, I still find bosses hard to deal with, but if I have a problem with one these days, I know what I have to do.

Firstly, jot down brief dates and notes about their behaviour. Or hit record it on your phone as soon as she appears.

Next, start feeling out a colleague to see if any would back you up in any way if you made a complaint. They'll probably be too scared. In the past, I asked if I could use their comments anonymously, and that seemed to help. For example, one part-time colleague was getting tummy troubles (diarrhoea - sorry!) every day before she came into work.

Focus not on 'proving' anything. That could just be too complicated in your emotional state. The aim is to truthfully show the effect this woman is having.

That way, it isn't about right or wrong.

You'll absolutely know that you are just being honest.

The fact that you're not sleeping because of her is another powerful tool in your arsenal.

I found that, once I started speaking to colleagues about my boss, there was a sort of snowball effect. People were keen to share their own misery! Suddenly, I had two colleagues who had allowed me to quote them. And the first felt so encouraged by my standing up to this person that she at the last minute said I could use her name.

So, the choices for you then are to either:

1. Make a complaint.

2. Ask for a meeting with her and let everything out.

I did the latter.

OMG, it is hard.

But I was angry by this point, and tired of feeling ashamed of myself for all the times I'd been submissive and frightened in her presence.

Anyhoo, that is what I do these days as soon as I have a problem with a work superior. I ask for a meeting and blurt out everything that's bothering me.

It seems impossible when you have never done it. But it feels fantastic afterwards. Because, you're defending yourself

Unfortunately this is a very small company with no one to complain to except the bosses themselves. My boss is the owner. Two owners, two employees, that’s it. The bosses are related. They have different ways of doing things, but they are very much a team, even if they argue about so many things.

Every employee that I’ve worked with there has had issues with the boss and couldn’t stand her and was fired or quit (5 employees in all since I’ve been there, and my current coworker can’t stand her either). And, I’ve frequently heard from the boss about other past employees..this is years after they’re gone she is still telling negative stories about them. Obviously it is demoralizing to hear this stuff!

I feel like I have to be perfect and as smart as the boss. How could she think I’m smart when I lack her experience? Experience brings confidence and I’ve had to fake confidence this last few years working there. As soon as I get comfortable in one part of the job, I’m learning more. That’s good, and I appreciate the opportunity, which is what keeps me from looking elsewhere. I am getting a well rounded education in my field there. So professionally it’s good, and I’ve been focusing on being professional. I understand that being able to learn is good enough, but sometimes I’m learning too real time and getting scolded about how long it’s taking me! There are time management issues happening right and left and we are not very coordinated. I think we’ll be having a meeting soon, so I am looking forward to that. The meeting will be considered as training, and hopefully it is training and not confrontational!

But, I didn’t sleep but an hour or two last night. TGIF. I do think I was triggered repeatedly this last month and have been feeling a lot of emotional strain. It’s not all work stressing and triggering me, but definitely my boss’s attitude this month has been extra and it’s nearly unbearable at work because of that. It’s impossibly to ignore her squawking all the time! My coworker puts in her earbuds whenever the boss comes in like that (because she is not directly talking to the coworker).

I wish I had the guts to say “I’m busy!!” The thing is, the boss knows 100% that I have work to do and plenty of it. She even apologizes sometimes for it but she loves to vent and show off and get attention, so she does it anyway.

Anyway. Thank you fellow posters SO much for giving me feedback.

It will always require a delicate balance of emotional control, and professionalism at work with this boss..it will not change. She gets what she wants by being condescending and petulant. I have to deal with it or change jobs!! Working there makes me want to get out of office work all together!

Big hugs.

She's the owner. Oh dear!

In that case, I'd run as fast as I could.

yes, the owner

As I hoped, I feel much better in the light of day. I powered through some tasks, and feel better. Some work stuff resolved just fine, so that’s a relief. I tried to remember that last night all through the night, but it didn’t work.

she scares me, and I stuff it down and beat myself up. She intimidates me, and I’m mostly certain she does it intentionally. Sometimes She tells me her strategies against people, so I know she does this. NOT my fave type of person, but I guess she thinks she needs to be this way. Then she talks about micro-aggressions against her by men, when it doesn’t seem there was any. I’ve consoled her many a time actually.

I believe I’m her longest lasting employee.

I can’t see the forest through the trees sometimes. Trying.

I really feel for you.

I'm glad you're having a better day!

Take heart. None of this is your fault.

It might be useful, though, to look at anti-bullying laws in your state. Employers, remember, have to provide a safe work environment.

Not that you are going to sue her, but it might enlighten you as to the potentially disastrous effects on mental health and family life. The law does take it seriously.

Similarly, mental health charities can give terrifying info about the dangers of bullying at work.

You still seem, if you don't mind me saying so, at the stage where you are trying to understand her. Or make yourself like her. I think in America, that's called bargaining. Or, denial. Or Stockholm Syndrome...

Sorry. I really am here to support you, and wish I could be more positive.

Unfortunately, in the United States, there are no anti bullying laws. IF you take a leave of absence and go on workers compensation, you can try to submit a claim for psychological harm caused by your employer, but you have to prove it through visits to a psychologist and through documented proof that there is actual psychological harm caused.

I thought there were laws against harassment in the workplace.

Yes, harassment, but there are strict definitions of harassment in terms of legal cases, which usually fall under the category of sexual harassment. It's very difficult to use the law in the case of bullying type of harassment.

Here's a definition:

"Under federal law and Department of Labor (DOL) policy, harassment by DOL employees of DOL employees based on race, color, religion, sex (including gender identity and pregnancy), national origin, age, disability, genetic information, sexual orientation, or parental status is prohibited. The Department of Labor does not permit harassing conduct by anyone in the workplace, including contractors.

Prohibited workplace harassment may take either of two forms. It may entail "quid pro quo" harassment, which occurs in cases in which employment decisions or treatment are based on submission to or rejection of unwelcome conduct, typically conduct of a sexual nature. Workplace harassment may also consist of offensive conduct based on one or more of the protected groups above that is so severe or pervasive that it creates a hostile or offensive work environment or when it results in an adverse employment decision (such as being fired or demoted)."

Hostile Work Environment Harassment

A hostile environment can result from the unwelcome conduct of supervisors, co-workers, customers, contractors, or anyone else with whom the victim interacts on the job, and the unwelcome conduct renders the workplace atmosphere intimidating, hostile, or offensive.

Examples of behaviors that may contribute to an unlawful hostile environment include:

discussing sexual activities;
telling off-color jokes concerning race, sex, disability, or other protected bases;
unnecessary touching;
commenting on physical attributes;
displaying sexually suggestive or racially insensitive pictures;
using demeaning or inappropriate terms or epithets;
using indecent gestures;
using crude language;
sabotaging the victim’s work;
engaging in hostile physical conduct.

Thank you for your sweetness and support!

She can be a bully but I don’t think she has done anything illegal. She is stressed, fearful, impatient, and seems to be fighting off a work-related meltdown. She is trying to problem solve to get off her rollercoaster, I think. I empathize with her. However, I’ve been riding her roller coaster, and now I don’t want to because doing so has caused me sleepless nights, a stomachache, and a headache.

I don’t want to feel like she feels on her rollercoaster—she participates in a host of opportunities to counteract her other uncomfortable feelings, and I don’t have access, time, or money to do what she does to regulate herself.

I must remember that I am my own person with my own set of skills and not just an extension of her. I’ve had codependent relationships before, so i need to be careful not to encourage or allow that type of relationship with her.

My denial—I need to remember that although she is the boss, I should not accept her obnoxious behavior and play to it, just because I need my job, or because I’m afraid to upset her. i should not appease her and give her the attention she wants so that she can calm down and feel good about herself. Not my role. I don’t need to like her, or be friends with her, I know that. I do still have a goal to understand and appreciate her, but then i must remember it’s then also good that she understand and appreciate me.

In general, I have been feeling “less than” a lot these last six months or so. Looking back, I’ve been playing to that negative belief that I am less than. That’s not going to help me.

You sound like an empath. Someone who absorbs the emotions of others. This is also something I am working on... imagine yourself in a protective bubble all day long, whereby she cannot enter or disturb your sense of self and sense of peace. Go about your work with the inner knowledge that you are there to work, not to absorb her negative drama and issues.

Thanks. I will give it a try.