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semperlogicus
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Member Since: Sep 2019
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Default Mar 19, 2020 at 06:43 PM
  #1
Hello all,

Sorry that this is a bit long and rant-y, but ultimately I am looking for advice, and don't really know where to seek guidance. Basically, I am 31, diagnosed bipolar I, uninsured (and thus untreated), underemployed (and increasingly dissatisfied with the job), and debating whether to go back to school to try and finally finish a degree, and how to go about doing that should I decide to.

Some background:

Up through eighth grade, I was always considered a "gifted" student. I never received a grade lower than an 'A', and was that annoying overachiever who loved school and studying. In middle school, the teacher in charge of the math team basically threatened to resign if I didn't join. In eighth grade, the same teacher suggested that I take the ACT, just to see how well I would do. Suffice it to say, my score was slightly above the average for incoming freshman at my state's high-research Big Ten university. If you had asked me at the time what I saw in my future, it would have involved a STEM-area degree from MIT, and, while certainly not easy, it would have been well within my abilities, not a lofty, pie-in-the-sky pipe dream.

In ninth grade, my mom suffered complications after a routine surgery, which left her in a medically-induced coma for nearly two weeks, in hospital for a month, and more-or-less disabled throughout about a nine-month recovery. This seems to be the turning point in my academic/mental health life (although I wasn't diagnosed/treated until I was 19 or 20). My grades dropped to Bs and Cs. In tenth grade, I failed two classes. I started acting out, going to parties, drinking, smoking pot, etc. I became very nihilistic, and a massive underachiever. I determined that I had no intention of going to college, and didn't take the ACT until the last possible session of my senior year, at my parents' insistence. I scored very well, but my GPA was quite low.

After (barely) graduating high school, I enrolled in a couple classes at the local community college, went for the first week, and withdrew. I continued working the summer job I had started at when I was 16 (extended to March-November, without school obligations to worry about), and survived off that minimal income. Increasingly distressed, I finally sought help in psychotherapy, was diagnosed with bipolar I, and referred to a psychiatrist for meds. After a few tries, we found meds that seemed to be working. At age 21, I decided to go to one of the state universities to study biology.

The first semester was difficult. I had traveled a fair bit, but never lived outside of my hometown, and am not exactly good at making friends. I became increasingly isolated, lonely, and depressed. Eventually I missed two weeks' worth of English class, and was too embarrassed to ever go back (and too stupid to formally withdraw), so ended up with an F. In botany, one exam was simple plant identification, which I failed (never been good at brute-force memorization, as I can't concentrate long enough for that method of study), significantly lowering that grade. Did well in other courses, so my GPA was not terrible.

Med dosages were tweaked a bit while home for winter break, which seemed to help a lot. Second semester I did great academically, 4.0 GPA, Dean's List -Highest Honors. Switched my major to psychology. (I've always had the tendency to hop from interest to interest.) Still didn't make any friends, however.

Returning to school in the fall, all remained well at first, but the combination of forgetting to head home for an appointment for checkup/Rx renewal and increasing cost of copays led me to stop taking meds. By the end of October, I was in a severe mixed episode -- paranoid, anxious, withdrawn. For a good month, I never left my apartment, besides a trip or two to the grocery store. Again, never bothered to formally withdraw from classes (never even crossed my distorted mind), so ended with a semester GPA of 0.0. I did not return after winter break.

For the next few years, I continued working the same seasonal job. Once I hit age 26, I of course lost coverage under my parents' health insurance. One year I bought my own plan on the ACA marketplace, but the only one I could afford was catastrophic coverage, so couldn't afford to use it, and by mid-year couldn't afford the monthly premiums anymore either. At work I got a modest raise each year, but the prospects of any actual upward mobility (salaried, year-round, benefits, more freedom to initiate/work on projects that interest me) was, and remains, basically null.

A few years ago, I started taking classes at the local community college again, this time as part of a transfer program with the state's flagship university, with the hope of going into engineering. The first semester, I again stopped going to English, and was too stupid to withdraw. All my other courses (math, chem, psych) were As. Second semester, again As in math and chem, but an F in Anatomy & Physiology, due to problems with brute-force memorization, as with the botany course years before. Third semester, an A, an AB, and a B in Physics, Electrochemistry, and Calculus 3. The fourth semester, I missed a couple weeks, for reasons I can no longer remember. Again, I was too embarrassed to go back at that point, and too stupid to withdraw.

Still, I tried again in the fall. Through the first several weeks, all was going well with school. But, my dog was suffering from cancer, and the situation became bleak towards the end of October. This time I was proactive, and contacted my instructors, who were all understanding and willing to work with me to reschedule exams and accept homework via email while I dealt with that. After he died, I fell into a depressive episode and simply withdrew from all my courses (except one programming course I had worked far enough ahead in to get a decent grade, even without ever returning).

Since then, I've been simply working the same old job, growing increasingly dissatisfied, and feeling increasingly trapped. I'm not being challenged; I know I have talents that are not being used -- and won't ever be used -- where I am. Having only worked the one job, I have basically zero job searching / resume writing / interviewing skills. Every job listing I have ever found that is at least mildly interesting to me requires a bachelor's degree at minimum. The one time I found a listing that didn't, it required a valid driver's license, which I don't have.

Every few months I find myself intensively researching the prospects of returning to school, as I sense the walls closing in around me more and more. I honestly have no idea what my academic standing is at my two previous schools, nor my overall GPA, nor even how many total credits I've completed. Financially, I have no debt, but also very, very little in savings.

So, should I try to go back to school and finish a degree (most likely online) as a 31 year old with bipolar I, or would I just crash and burn? Is there anywhere to consult academic advisers on my prospects, and how to approach admissions with a rollercoaster academic record like I have? Even if I were admitted, I doubt I could continue successfully if/when the next mood episode hits. Is there realistically anything I can do about that without access to health insurance?

Anyway, these are the thoughts that cause me constant anxiety, so thanks for reading and letting me vent a bit. If you have any thoughts or advice to offer, please do.
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Smile Mar 20, 2020 at 02:50 PM
  #2
Hello semperlogicus: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. The Bipolar forum, here on PC, may also be of interest to you. Here's a link just in case you haven't already found it:

https://psychcentralforums.com/bipolar/

Actually your college experience so far sort-of reminds me of my own many years ago. Honestly I don't know as I would be in a position to advise you with regard to where to go from here. Certainly if you could get onto the correct psychiatric medications, there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to return to college & succeed I wouldn't think. (Personally I wouldn't consider your age to be a factor.) However you mentioned you're currently untreated. So that is a worry. I wonder if you've looked into free or income-adjusted mental health services that might be available to you. (Of course the current situation regarding Covid-19 is a complicating factor at the moment under any circumstances.) It's really not my place to say whether or not there's a possibility you could succeed without being actively treated for your bipolar disorder. I think the general consensus of opinion is that if one is bipolar, appropriate medications & therapy are necessary. However I'm not a mental health professional. So that's just my personal understanding of the situation.

As far as the idea of returning to college in general goes, I think it makes sense to at least look into the possibilities. The first thing I think I would suggest is to clarify exactly what your academic standing would be with your 2 previous schools. And then what I think I would at least consider is the possibility of attending a 2 year community college or vocational-technical college with an eye to obtaining a 2 year degree in some field of study that might prepare you to work in some field of interest & possibly also transfer to a 4 year program where you could attend either full-time, or part-time while you were working, hopefully in the field you obtained your 2 year degree in. And while you were working on your 2 year degree I would also make a point of accessing whatever student counseling services were available.

You mentioned the possibility of attending college on-line. I have to admit that I'm of an age where going to school on-line was not an option. So that whole concept is foreign to me. However it seems to me, from what you wrote, that isolating has been a major problem for you in the past. So I would question whether studying at home on-line would be wise. It would be awfully easy to just stop studying, spend all your time playing video games or watching YouTube videos, etc. & once again simply disappear into the woodwork, so to speak. But that's just my own personal bias. As far as how to approach admissions with your "rollercoaster academic record" goes, I think you perhaps just have to be forthright regarding your past difficulties but, at the same time, be able to demonstrate that you've done / are doing what you have to do to ensure this will not simply be another turn of the wheel so to speak. Unfortunately that probably means figuring out how to obtain the mental health services you need. And if all of that just seems to be beyond your reach at this point, perhaps simply trying to make the best of the job you now have is the most realistic approach.

That's about what I think I can say with regard to your situation. Perhaps there will be other PC members who will have insights they can offer. I wish you all the best & hope that you find PC to be of benefit.

P.S. You mentioned not having good job seeking skills. There is a company that publishes job seeking skills materials. You might take a look at what they have to offer. Here's a link to their website:

Publisher: JIST Works | Open Library


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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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semperlogicus
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Default Mar 22, 2020 at 11:03 AM
  #3
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

My thinking behind the online school option is that, when I did move out of town for in-person college, it caused me to become far more isolated. At least studying online, I can stay in my hometown, and be able to hang out with the few friends I already have.

I'm not sure how realistic the possibility of finding treatment is right now. Between my uninsured status and the healthcare disruptions caused by the pandemic, I sense that it would only be a long, frustrating search without any real progress.

Thanks for the publisher link. I'll do some reading.

I like your idea about finishing out a 2-year degree at the community college. Hadn't really thought of that, but maybe just finishing up an Associate's degree would be a good first step, and see where things go from there.
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Default Mar 22, 2020 at 04:49 PM
  #4
Have you contacted your county mental health division? They will have resources for those without insurance who qualify--which may well be you.

Sending strength and support.

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