coworker who drives me crazy...

I work in a small group. There's a boss at the top who's very disorganized and doesn't like to manage. So he has this other employee help him; she's been in the group forever and has a lot of authority. However, although she's nosy and a control freak, she's also badly organized and is even worse at managing than him.

Well frankly she's just driving me crazy. I've worked with her for about ten years but a lot of that time she was uninvolved in my projects. Now we overlap more. For the record, we're good friends on the surface; I always politely listen to her and show her my respect and she thinks we're friends. We're kind of friends. But I internalize a lot of her crap and just don't know how to be less affected.

Today, I made the mistake of telling her a little about this new guy I've been working with and how it's great that the boss likes him but that I'm worried the boss is dumping way too many details on this guy too early on for the project. I commented that once things are more underway, I'll be working with this guy 1-1 and not including the boss in all our calls. She immediately freaked out and was like, "No you can't do that, you have to include the boss in all the calls."

Now, the situation is complicated and I don't want this post to get too long, so I'll just say--I hired this guy. He has nothing to do with the group. Including my boss on those calls is a courtesy. I call my boss my boss, but actually--he's not my boss anymore. I have my own group with my own money and my group *collaborates* with my boss's group. So it's 100% up to me, as the one paying the new guy, whether or not I want to include my *former* boss in those calls.
So this coworker, since she's not on the calls, hates the idea of my former boss not being on all of them because then he can't tell her what's going on.

I don't think fast on my feet and rarely confront people on the spot. So I couldn't bring myself to disagree. But I feel so frustrated, oppressed, furious, etc. with my coworker who just has to try to control everything and know everything. I know this sounds like a minor incident, but this isn't the first time she tries to "know everything" and tamper in things that aren't her business. I try to tell her as little as possible, but she always wants to "gossip" in the break room, gush about whatever's on her mind and try to extract any information she can so she can use it to maintain control and ease her anxiety that there's nothing she doesn't know.

Lately I'm just surprised by how much I find myself hating this person and how depressed, upset, disturbed, hopeless, etc. I feel after our interactions. I'm trying to avoid her, but I can't avoid her all the time. The other people in my *new* group literally refuse to speak to her/return her emails because they can't stand how she behaves. This actually puts even more burden on me to communicate with her because we still work together and I'm the only person willing to update her.

Is this woman your coworker or your supervisor? If she's just a coworker you can do things to avoid her. If she is your supervisor, you can't really avoid her.

I've read some studies that recommend not personally disclosing information to your coworkers for the exact reasons you've written about: your new hire. Now, your coworker, who didn't really need to know about this new hire, is being her nosy, intrusive self with you, and undermining your work flow with her shenanigans, and basically creating havoc for you because she enjoys doing that.

If you don't have to work with her, then don't. Are you required to work with her? Can you have her transferred or can you transfer so that you won't have to work with her? What does your mutual boss' role here?

I would just never open up to her again about anything and just act all business-like on the surface and eventually she'll pick up the cues from you that you are distancing yourself from her. If you confront her, only bad can come from it. She would take the confrontation to your mutual boss and get you fired for it. So, don't do that.

You wrote: "I'm the only person willing to update her." <--I suggest you stop being the sacrifical lamb here. Everyone else will 'allow' you to be the intermediary as long as you continue to do it. Stop. If you are being required to do this--then you have the right to ask for the terms to be re-negotiated which would mean telling basically what you have here about her obnoxious behavior. If it is an unwritten duty, try these techniques: occasional forgetting and then asking for someone else to be the backup; saying in an email to your cohort, who wants to take this on? I've done it for x years and I need to pass the torch on..." or the classic lying and saying did call/email/text when you did not. When called out about that, the classic response is a weak "sorry...I thought I called/emailed/texted you..."

You also wrote: "she always wants to "gossip" in the break room" <==stop hanging out in the break room. I know that doesn't seem fair. You should be able to sit in the breakroom unmolested. But in reality she is imposing herself on you. Because you position yourself so she can. Get up and walk away. If you think that is too rude, stop going in there. Find a new place to rest and eat. If you can't do that and must use the breakroom, start wearing earphones and when she starts say "sorry, can't talk--I have to memorize this." If she wants to know what it is, say "Sorry, can't talk--it's Scripture/my Swahili vocabulary/this poem/something personal...sorry can't talk."

You also wrote: "I can't avoid her all the time"<====learn to walk away. Seriously, just walk away. "Will you excuse me?" If you feel you must be polite. Just walking away if you don't think you need to be polite or if you want to make a stronger statement without saying a word.

People who bully others--even if what they think they are doing isn't bullying (but it is)--will continue to bully until their victims either remove themselves from easy reach, or they find another victim. You want to maximize those two actions for yourself.

Thank you both for your responses. All of your advice is spot-on. Yes, I need to really limit my contact with her and impose proper boundaries. I was really surprised by HOW depressed I felt the other day, after my conversation with her. It was a totally disproportionate reaction, but her behavior that day was just sort of the latest irritation in a long series of small bullying from her. She's a nice person and I know she tries not to be annoying, but she's just a bad communicator with a difficult personality. I'm always sort of half-defending her in my head that she means well, but she's also this really destructive presence in my life.

Our relationship is just really complex. It has to do with laboratories, start-ups, subcontracts, etc. It would take too long to explain. Let's just say--she is not my supervisor in any way and I do not have to report to her. However, I cannot totally avoid her because there is some light overlap.

I'm going to stop going into the office, I can tell her I'm super busy when I'm there, and I'm definitely going to stop telling her what's going on, project-wise. My former boss is so disorganized that he lets her check his email for him so that nothing important gets missed. So I basically don't email him anymore anything I don't want her digging into.

Then unfortunately compassion becomes a problem. She's lonely. She'll want to zoom every week. I can say no once or twice, but then it gets hard and awkward and I don't know what to do. But I'll just take it one day at a time for now and not agonize about not being able to say no in three weeks.

You're very smart, DoroMona. I think your plan to minimize contact with your lonely, awkward coworker is great. Do NOT let guilt consume you either. You are not responsible for making her feel better. Do NOT Zoom with the woman if she drives you batty. Just stop agonizing about her as she is an adult and her problems are HERS not yours. You are a good person but you don't need to take care of your coworker's feelings or needs. Since she checks your mutual boss' email for updates, that's perfect. Good luck with it. And remember what Nancy Reagan said, "JUST SAY NO!" lolz