Workplace tensions

I don’t understand why people at work do not include me. I am friendly. I say hi to everyone. I try to be thoughtful and try to be a good listener when someone is venting about something. I try to say positive things or laugh about stuff.

There is a tension here. Or maybe I’m just not part of the clique because some people here are friends.

I’m feeling very sad today and I didn’t say hi to everyone like I usually do. Nobody said a word to me. It’s like I don’t exist. I shouldn’t take it personally.

It feels rude to walk into a room and not say hello but I don’t want to bother anymore when almost nobody else here does. There are a few friendly people so I guess I say hi to them and don’t worry about the rest? I guess I should just be happy that I have a job right now, even if the environment is tense and uncomfortable.

I think it's important to remind ourselves that sometimes people aren't always able to give us what we want or expect, especially when they don't know our expectations. It can be helpful, if you feel confident enough to tackle it, to approach people and directly address the issue. "I'd really like to get to know you better and form some good relationships here. Would you be interested in talking for a few minutes sometime?" It can be difficult to put ourselves out there, but at least it gives us an opportunity to express our interest and try to get our needs met rather than letting them go unnoticed.

The other thing is that sometimes we assume things about other people and their motives or interest. This might be a cognitive distortion like "Mind Reading" or "Fortune Telling," or it could just be our own anxiety and insecurity getting the better of us. It may not be that they don't like you or don't want to be around you. It could be a variety of other things such as them being too busy and focused on their own problems, them being stressed due to their own work, or them being anxious themselves and not knowing how to approach and welcome you.

You're right, it is good just to have a job right now. But that doesn't mean you have to settle for a work environment that is unhappy. Good luck whatever you decide to do!

I don't really have any advice to offer with regard to this. But I just thought I'd say I think you're right. Be friendly with those who are friendly & ignore the rest. To my way of thinking at least, it's like being back in school. You're either in with the in-crowd or you're not. And if you're not (I certainly never was) you're not going to be no matter what you do or how hard you try. So, from my perspective, it's probably best not to try to begin with. At least those are my thoughts.

It's a tense environment given the current COVID situation in general. Maybe people are tense given that layoffs are occurring within so many companies, and perhaps your co-workers are concerned about their own jobs and job security. People may also be tense over COVID itself, and the many issues that presents.

Try not to take it so personally, if you can. I know that's hard, but people react in different ways when stressed, and if you're picking up on a vibe of tension, I am sure individual and collective stress is contributing.

Just be yourself and do what naturally comes to you. That's all you can do.

I am sure you remember that I had a similarly bad work environment at my last job. The first year or so I had some good co-workers. Then my boss started hiring bimbettes that did not know how to behave in a professional work environment. From that point on, the situation devolved into cliques, favoritism from the boss that had nothing to do with people's actual abilities., etc. It was worse than junior high. I was at least lucky I didn't have to work from the office that much, but I hated it every time I had to go. Only two people from my department would even speak to me because they were sort of outcasts too. People in other departments were nicer, but I mainly had to deal with my department when at the office.


The best I could do was sort of detach myself from it and take the attitude that I was there to work, not to make friends. In my case, I wouldn't even want to be friends with most of those petty backstabbers.

I do remember the horrible situation you went through. I’m so happy for you that you’re better off now.

Our manager is referred to as “the communist” by some of my coworkers. That is part of the problem. People really are unhappy here because she’s so mean. She’s literally just a mean person. We are all under her thumb.

I guess I try to be friendly and positive most of them time and ignore it. I’m pretty quiet though so maybe people don’t even notice me whether I talk or not. I really couldn’t say.

Today I am feeling really down and being in this environment just makes me feel worse. I find myself feeling like there’s got to be more to life than dragging myself to this gloomy place every day. I’ve been in a specialty for about 20 years now so I haven’t found anything else I could do.

Thank you for your kind support. Yes. There are a couple favorites here. The boss likes them and not the rest of us. Everybody else has formed cliques and I’m just on my own.

I agree with you. Work is for work and paying bills... not for making friends.

Thank you for your kind support. I think when my anxiety and insecurities flare up I get upset over things I would usually blow off.

I agree with you about managing expectations. I think I blow off rude behavior too easily... and I shouldn’t come to expect friendliness on the days I feel withdrawn when it truly isn’t there on the days I feel happy.

Yes you are right. I never was part of the in-crowd... not anywhere, at any point in life. I guess on the flip side of that... if you’re not part of any clique at work then that helps you stay out of trouble.

I’m going to start pulling back from being talkative and friendly and limit it to those who reciprocate. Maybe most people at my work just want their personal space. Who knows but it’s not a cheerful place to work.

You’re right about picking up on the tension vibe. I’m a sensitive person that way. If there’s ever any tension I really feel it.

I’ll keep trying not to take it personally. I know that my coworkers aren’t happy because they dislike our controlling manager.

I never was one for the in-crowd so I just haven’t been included in any cliques here. I’m friendly with one co-worker but she is part of the clique.

I’m in health care so there has been a lot of emotional strain for everybody. We are also tired. I should try to remember that. But when I hear people laughing in the break room and I am not included or people walk past me without saying good morning I just feel invisible. Maybe there’s a good side to being invisible and maybe I need to focus on that.

Thank you for listening. I know you’re going through your own stress right now. I’m really hopeful for you that there are better days ahead.

There IS far more to life than just work. A key activity to pursue is doing a lot of self-care when we're in an unhappy work environment. And, while at work, try to make work as pleasant as possible for yourself, and insulate yourself from all the negative bs so that you can be productive and mentally healthy.

My boss was a horrific boss, it was a toxic work environment and as you know, I just got laid off. But while I was working there, I would listen to my own music on my headphones, I took off at lunch by myself to recup my energy and to have some alone time, I would pretty much try to leave work at the door once I left (though that wasn't always easy to accomplish), and I would spend my weekends enjoying my life. So do as much self care as possible and enjoy your life outside of work as much as possible. It really helps!!!

I know you're not a cliquey type of person, and in my book, I think that's a good thing!!!! It means you're not just a part of the crowd, you're an independent thinker and you act and function independently. Those are all admirable and amazing traits to own!!!

So I can understand while you feel apart from the crowd or the clique, understand, know and embrace that you're not just another sheep!!!!!

Those cliques are usually made of up those who follow the crowd.

And yes, I think it's great to keep in mind the work environment you're in, especially within health care, the external stresses that everyone feels and to bear in mind that people deal with stress in different ways. People also deal with unhappiness in different ways.

And thanks so much... I am actually quite happy now that I am out of that work environment! It was so toxic for me. I am relieved.

Thank you so very much for the kind compliments today. I needed to hear that. Thank you for cheering me up.

Glad I could help and so glad you feel a bit better.