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LilyMop
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Default Jul 29, 2020 at 10:41 AM
  #1
My counselor and I have talked a lot about my poor boundaries with people and my anxiety at work.

Basically, she has encouraged me to focus more on self-care and to back away from things like volunteering for extra projects or going the extra mile at work.

She has encouraged me to just let it go... emotionally... when my outcomes aren’t very good or I’m on the “bad” list for poor results... because once I’ve done the best I could... all these things are completely out of my control.

She has suggested that I help people only if it’s within my job responsibility... or if it’s not a big inconvenience for me... She has encouraged me not to go out of my way for someone who could figure things out for themselves.

She has suggested that I continue to be pleasant at work but not to take on the responsibility of making people “happy” at work. For example, I tend to go out of my way to be very cheerful, friendly and positive and then I am upset when people do not reciprocate. She has suggested I put that energy into the people who do reciprocate and just remain neutral and professional with those who don’t.

I must say this feels weird. It feels weird not being “helpful” all day... It feels like I am kind of slacking. It feels like I’m being cold and distant when I’m used to being very friendly and helpful.

Yet I’m also realizing how silly it has been for me to have always been trying to do more than I needed to or worry over things I just couldn’t control. It created anxiety and conflict when I did this.

I thought I was being a “team player” but I really wasn’t. I am feeling a higher level of anxiety right now. I hope I get used to this. I keep worrying I will “get into trouble” for making a mistake or not doing something “perfectly.” I am very careful about documenting a lot to cover myself... I’m also uncomfortable with the tension here... our boss is controlling and mean and people aren’t happy here. I hate that I pick up on all the negative vibes.

I thought I wanted to apply for a management position but my husband said we don’t need the little bit of extra money and just do what makes me happy... I guess for now... slacking off a bit will make me happy.

Last edited by LilyMop; Jul 29, 2020 at 10:56 AM..
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Default Jul 29, 2020 at 10:53 AM
  #2
Hey LilyMop, I know it's hard to (a) not people-please and (b) not give 210% when you're used to going above and beyond. Honestly, you therapist is right to encourage you to be cognizant of your behaviors and try to maintain boundaries around what you will and won't do. I have had the same problem in the past, and learning to keep boundaries, do MY work and no one else's, and lend a hand where it's possible but not detrimental to my responsibilities at work, but also, if my boss tells me to do a task (when I had a boss) doing it, of course. All of this has really helped me maintain balance but also do a better job at work. Everyone has a role, and you have to put your work above other people's so that you get your job done.

I also think she's right on the mark about friendships at work. If someone is unfriendly, you can still be polite and respectful, but if they are giving signals that they don't want to get personal, then that's fine. You can have closer relationships with colleagues who are friendlier and professional ones with those who prefer to stay neutral.

Try not to beat yourself up about learning these things. We all have to learn to set boundaries and it's ONGOING learning. We never just figure it out and are done with learning or coping or self care. I think you're doing great to recognize where things are causing you stress and figuring out how to do the self care and self management to relieve that stress.

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What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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Default Jul 30, 2020 at 07:02 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyMop View Post
My counselor and I have talked a lot about my poor boundaries with people and my anxiety at work.

Basically, she has encouraged me to focus more on self-care and to back away from things like volunteering for extra projects or going the extra mile at work.

She has encouraged me to just let it go... emotionally... when my outcomes aren’t very good or I’m on the “bad” list for poor results... because once I’ve done the best I could... all these things are completely out of my control.

She has suggested that I help people only if it’s within my job responsibility... or if it’s not a big inconvenience for me... She has encouraged me not to go out of my way for someone who could figure things out for themselves.

She has suggested that I continue to be pleasant at work but not to take on the responsibility of making people “happy” at work. For example, I tend to go out of my way to be very cheerful, friendly and positive and then I am upset when people do not reciprocate. She has suggested I put that energy into the people who do reciprocate and just remain neutral and professional with those who don’t.

I must say this feels weird. It feels weird not being “helpful” all day... It feels like I am kind of slacking. It feels like I’m being cold and distant when I’m used to being very friendly and helpful.

Yet I’m also realizing how silly it has been for me to have always been trying to do more than I needed to or worry over things I just couldn’t control. It created anxiety and conflict when I did this.

I thought I was being a “team player” but I really wasn’t. I am feeling a higher level of anxiety right now. I hope I get used to this. I keep worrying I will “get into trouble” for making a mistake or not doing something “perfectly.” I am very careful about documenting a lot to cover myself... I’m also uncomfortable with the tension here... our boss is controlling and mean and people aren’t happy here. I hate that I pick up on all the negative vibes.

I thought I wanted to apply for a management position but my husband said we don’t need the little bit of extra money and just do what makes me happy... I guess for now... slacking off a bit will make me happy.
I agree 100% with your therapist's suggestions. They are all excellent suggestions, and I think it will really help you to follow them.

From what I know from all your threads and posts, you do take on too much responsibility at work and out of kindness and wanting to help out, which is admirable, but it's hurting you. And it's healthy to realize and know that that's not your job.

You know, one thing I personally realized? Most people do not work that hard. Most people work only just enough so as not to get fired. I am nearly 50, and this is what I've witnessed over and over again at a number of workplaces.

So, you don't need to make up for other people's lack of work ethic. You have a very strong work ethic, as do I, so I can relate, but it's not your responsibility to make up where others lack.

And, you know what else I've learned?

Is that while on the one hand, friendships certainly CAN happen and blossom at work, generally speaking, people at work are not your friends. People are at work ultimately to earn a living, to make ends meet and to look out for themselves. Many people are far too self absorbed in their own lives, and many people are far more selfishly oriented. It's the rare person who thinks outside themselves all the time. And I see you as being that rare kind of person.

And no, it's not your job to make everyone happy at work. That's a great lesson to learn and to take away with you.

If you start viewing your job from a different light -- like, this is where I work, I am not here to create new friendships necessarily, I am here to make a living. I have limits and boundaries, and I don't need to take on more than I can, and I am not here to make others happy - I just need to make myself and my boss happy - that's a healthy perspective to maintain.

Hugs to you.

PS. I like your therapist!

__________________
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~4 Non Blondes
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Default Jul 30, 2020 at 12:43 PM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Have Hope View Post
I agree 100% with your therapist's suggestions. They are all excellent suggestions, and I think it will really help you to follow them.

From what I know from all your threads and posts, you do take on too much responsibility at work and out of kindness and wanting to help out, which is admirable, but it's hurting you. And it's healthy to realize and know that that's not your job.

You know, one thing I personally realized? Most people do not work that hard. Most people work only just enough so as not to get fired. I am nearly 50, and this is what I've witnessed over and over again at a number of workplaces.

So, you don't need to make up for other people's lack of work ethic. You have a very strong work ethic, as do I, so I can relate, but it's not your responsibility to make up where others lack.

And, you know what else I've learned?

Is that while on the one hand, friendships certainly CAN happen and blossom at work, generally speaking, people at work are not your friends. People are at work ultimately to earn a living, to make ends meet and to look out for themselves. Many people are far too self absorbed in their own lives, and many people are far more selfishly oriented. It's the rare person who thinks outside themselves all the time. And I see you as being that rare kind of person.

And no, it's not your job to make everyone happy at work. That's a great lesson to learn and to take away with you.

If you start viewing your job from a different light -- like, this is where I work, I am not here to create new friendships necessarily, I am here to make a living. I have limits and boundaries, and I don't need to take on more than I can, and I am not here to make others happy - I just need to make myself and my boss happy - that's a healthy perspective to maintain.

Hugs to you.

PS. I like your therapist!

Thank you. I really appreciate the feedback you’ve given me these past few days. I view you as someone who is a straight shooter and doesn’t say things you don’t mean.

I’m fortunate to have finally found a good therapist. She really has helped me so much. It took years to finally find someone but I know part of the problem was me not being fully ready to face many things.

I’ll keep taking her advice. The nice thing about social distancing is nobody questions that you keep to yourself a lot these days.

Somebody asked me to do something today that has nothing to do with my job responsibilities and I just played dumb so they went away. I’m doing that quite a bit lately. I just say I don’t know. It still feels weird and like I am being a bit rude but it also feels better at the same time. I’m definitely helpful to the coworkers who always pitch in and help me... like my counselor says, I’ll only put effort into the people who reciprocate.

You’re right, my own behavior was hurting me and I won’t do it anymore. Thank you.
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Default Jul 30, 2020 at 12:47 PM
  #5
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Originally Posted by seesaw View Post
Hey LilyMop, I know it's hard to (a) not people-please and (b) not give 210% when you're used to going above and beyond. Honestly, you therapist is right to encourage you to be cognizant of your behaviors and try to maintain boundaries around what you will and won't do. I have had the same problem in the past, and learning to keep boundaries, do MY work and no one else's, and lend a hand where it's possible but not detrimental to my responsibilities at work, but also, if my boss tells me to do a task (when I had a boss) doing it, of course. All of this has really helped me maintain balance but also do a better job at work. Everyone has a role, and you have to put your work above other people's so that you get your job done.

I also think she's right on the mark about friendships at work. If someone is unfriendly, you can still be polite and respectful, but if they are giving signals that they don't want to get personal, then that's fine. You can have closer relationships with colleagues who are friendlier and professional ones with those who prefer to stay neutral.

Try not to beat yourself up about learning these things. We all have to learn to set boundaries and it's ONGOING learning. We never just figure it out and are done with learning or coping or self care. I think you're doing great to recognize where things are causing you stress and figuring out how to do the self care and self management to relieve that stress.

Thank you. You have been a great help this week - I will let you know what I find out with the other stuff you gave me advice on.

I’ve definitely pulled back with my friendliness this week and I already feel better. I never was one to form actual friendships outside of work but I can see that I was expecting a level of friendship within the work relationship itself and that’s just not healthy.

I’m surprised at how much better I already feel about this. Monday I was really sad and today I feel acceptance. Maybe I’m finally learning.

Thank you.
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Default Jul 30, 2020 at 01:54 PM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyMop View Post
Thank you. I really appreciate the feedback you’ve given me these past few days. I view you as someone who is a straight shooter and doesn’t say things you don’t mean.

I’m fortunate to have finally found a good therapist. She really has helped me so much. It took years to finally find someone but I know part of the problem was me not being fully ready to face many things.

I’ll keep taking her advice. The nice thing about social distancing is nobody questions that you keep to yourself a lot these days.

Somebody asked me to do something today that has nothing to do with my job responsibilities and I just played dumb so they went away. I’m doing that quite a bit lately. I just say I don’t know. It still feels weird and like I am being a bit rude but it also feels better at the same time. I’m definitely helpful to the coworkers who always pitch in and help me... like my counselor says, I’ll only put effort into the people who reciprocate.

You’re right, my own behavior was hurting me and I won’t do it anymore. Thank you.
I'm so glad you found a good therapist!!! They're hard to find.

And yes, you are correct. I never say anything I don't truly mean, and I am a straight shooter.

That's awesome that you played innocent with the extra task asked of you -- good work!!!!! I applaud you!

And. yes, stick with those in your tribe, so to speak. Those who reciprocate and who are like-minded people. That's true in life as well.

I am a cheering squad for you..... I am rooting for you!!!! Keep up the great work. It will feel strange for a bit, but then it will become the new normal for you.

Hugs to you, HH.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes
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Default Jul 30, 2020 at 02:00 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyMop View Post
Thank you. You have been a great help this week - I will let you know what I find out with the other stuff you gave me advice on.

I’ve definitely pulled back with my friendliness this week and I already feel better. I never was one to form actual friendships outside of work but I can see that I was expecting a level of friendship within the work relationship itself and that’s just not healthy.

I’m surprised at how much better I already feel about this. Monday I was really sad and today I feel acceptance. Maybe I’m finally learning.

Thank you.
I am glad you are feeling better about it. Boundaries can be very healthy to set. Sometimes it can be uncomfortable at the beginning, but really, truly, boundaries are essential for all forms of relationships.

Let us know how you feel as you continue on with this.

__________________


What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
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