25 Years - Reeling from Realization - But Need to Keep My Job

That was probably a long title, huh?

I will be married for 25 years next month. Things have never been as good as they were when we first dated, but it's only been maybe the last 48 hours that I have really realized that I am a victim.

I hate saying that.

At any rate, I don't know what else to do. I keep reading articles, sitting at my desk with tears pouring down my cheeks. I have a good job in the field I've always worked in, and to actually leave, I need to keep it.

But - with this revelation - I am a MESS. And I am the only person at my job that performs my function and we have a lot of important deadlines - so I can't take PTO. I guess I just need to compartmentalize.

I don't have anyone to really talk to - okay I have no one. So I just have these thoughts swirling in my head but know I need to get to work!

Any advice on how you've dealt with work situations and coming to terms with the hell you've been living through? Just to give you background - I am a Marketing Director for a small software company reporting to our CEO - we have about 60 employees and I am the only marketing person.

Maybe just posting will help.

Welcome to the forums!

Yes, compartmentalization is necessary. Focus on the tasks ahead of you for the day. Focus only on your task -- one at a time. Make a list even of your tasks for the day and mark them off one by one. Then, once work is finished, you have free time to allow your thoughts to roam. If need be, take lunch alone and spend time at lunch allowing your thoughts to roam. But just focus on your tasks while working.

What's happening in your marriage?

Honestly I feel like such a fool. I started to really notice that I feel nothing for him- like nothing - a couple of years ago. Just this year i really thought I was losing my mind and I had heard the term gaslighting before but didn’t know what it was. So I looked that up and I’ve just hemmed and hawed on the whole thing. I have been listening to Whay does he act that way or whatever the title of the book that Lundy guy. I swear sometimes he is talking about exactly my situation and others not so much. And then just realizing that just because I don’t have a black eye - doesn’t mean I am not ripped to shreds inside. And this has been happening for 25 years.

And i honestly I am the one who is more jealous and paranoid. So then I think we’ll maybe I am the abuser. No doubt I have said and done my fair share of yelling and name calling at times. But I have never told my husband he was mentally ill or that he was the one that needed help or that he should give me something to be attracted to. It’s just been a drip drip drip.

He goes out with friends alllllllll the time. In fact he’s out now. Was out last night and some on both Monday and Tuesday. I’ve tried to talk to him about how I don’t like that and think that he should be home at night with our teenager and myself - but no - now I am told I am insecure and there’s a reason I don’t have any friends and it’s not his responsibility to make my friends for me. And I know he will come home drunk so I just won’t say anything because I am past the point of caring and do not think the I suits and sarcasm that will be hurled at me is worth it. . Normally I would be searching Facebook for posts (I’m not sure where he is), crying because once again I was left out and pissed that he hadn’t texted to say where he was when at 6:30 (it’s 8:20 now) he said he was coming home. I have this horrendous horrible almost irrational reaction to being left out. I don’t even really like the people he calls “our” friends.

I started to realize that I was the one always in tears and upset when we would argue and always thought everything was my fault even though he was saying he just could never do anything right. Lately it’s just gotten really irrational.

But I know that I am done. I just have to figure out how to get out of debt - I have run the numbers and can do it on my own but I can’t afford the house we currently live in and it will be a real struggle carrying that debt. And he will not be involved in the finances and just continues to spend spend spend. So much so that last night there wasn’t money available for him to go but he still did and his friends paid for him. I can only imagine what he told them. He can be a great victim at the drop of a hat.

He says embarrassing personal (just little stuff that people can laugh at) but he says it front of people. He grabs my boobs in public when I have repeatedly told him not to and physically reacted negatively when he does. It’s degrading. And secondly there is little to none in terms of affection. I don’t think we’ve had sex in over 6-7 years.

And he is a punisher. The other night I told him to stop lying to me and he said i didn’t and I pointed out the incedent and he had a likely story with half truths - but I knew he was lying. And he was like what you don’t believe me? I said no I do not. I wasn’t mad - I was just calm. Well that resulted in sulking and playing his xbox game until it was time to sleep.

Today i didn’t want to go out to eat because of the money situation and he said I have cash (all text) and I said you should probably use that for gas and necessities which is when he responded fine I will come straight home after we get back in town (day businesses trip). I guess about 45 minutes later I get this text “ just pulled over to piss. Should I get a slim Jim or will you have food at home?” I just didn’t respond but clearly I am stewing and feeling like should try to explain.

I.ve thought about moving to another bedroom but to be honest - I want him to and i want a complete separation. I’m the one that is home all the time so I think I should get the master. But maybe I should just suck it up and move in there and start the process of a separation but under the same roof. I just don’t know how well that will work. Let’s be honest it won’t so then I am stuck with this thing inside and I don’t know how to act. Should I just go out every once in awhile so that he doesn’t catch on and I can make a solid plan? I don’t really have a support system because everyone I know knows him and probably thinks i am insane.

I know that I am a intelligent human and very capable - but I am a shadow of my former self. ☹️

You probably didn’t expect a novel when you asked that. I guess I am just spilling it all out.

Oh man. Well, it sounds abusive what you're dealing with. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with such a nightmare for so long! And I'm sorry you don't have much of a support system. A therapist may be a good idea, if you can get one through your insurance?

Your plan to separate is a good one. I would just go ahead and do it. If you want the master, then tell him to move into the other room, but tell him on no uncertain terms that you want an official separation in house and that you plan on divorcing him. Don't even make it a discussion or up for negotiation. Just inform him - this is what is happening. Don't explain yourself. Just tell him - I want a divorce and as of right now, we are officially separated and you must move into the other room.

Then just ignore him in the home and use your own space.... do as you please. Come and go as you please. You are under no obligation to behave as though you're still a couple.

As for being a shadow of your former self? You will get your true self back in time - never fear. It will take some time, but if you get some therapy it will help you get back to yourself.

And once you are separated? You will immediately feel more empowered. And I guarantee you will start to feel better.

ps: I just noticed your username, NeedHopePlz -- mine is Have Hope. So perhaps I am meant to see your post and give you hope!

This is one of the most difficult things - especially now that I think he is catching on to things. He has gone into be nice, charming mode. I can see how easy it would be to give in, but I seriously cannot go through this again because i know that in 2, 4, 6 months I will be back in this same place.

I did already setup a new bank account and have switched my direct deposit which on its own was nerve wrecking. Sigh.

Now that he's being slightly nicer - I find myself doubting and thinking - well maybe i was just overreacting. I probably just need to re-read my journal entries. This is enough to make a person insane.

Yes - re-read your journal entries. You were not overreacting. What happened to you is real. Now he's on his best behavior to make you forget the bad things and doubt yourself. Stay the course and stick to your guns.

How you doing @NeedHopePlz? Checking in on you.