Transference with Coworker

I'm having transference issues with a coworker. I know it. I just can't seem to stop it. It's someone that I talk to on an almost daily basis but we work in different states. We have met once for about a week when she worked in my location. Otherwise we spend our workweeks three hours apart.


I'm not having romantic transference, it's totally platonic. It's like I want her to be my Mom. Even though I have a loving relationship with my Mom now, I didn't when I was a child (due to my Mom's own complicated Mental Health). When I was a child my Mom could be abusive. So there's always an older woman that I idealize and transfer all my longing and yearning and other positive emotions onto.


This coworker is a little above me on the ladder of hierarchy. She has been patient and kind with me, which makes it worse almost because she's kind and caring which makes me love her all the more. But I know my feelings are too intense and sometimes I feel hurt because she cannot and does not feel the same way towards me. I'm not like a daughter to her. I'm just a coworker.


Sometimes I will send her a gift card or something and she has said not to spoil her. I try not to but it's hard because I want to show her my appreciation and because in that way I'm expressing how much I love her. But I know she doesn't like it. So it's hard.


I try to maintain boundaries with her. For example I'm friends with some of my coworkers on facebook but I haven't asked this coworker to be friends on facebook because I think it would just make things worse.


When I was younger I would have transference with my teachers at school. Then it was my former T. Now it is this coworker. I need to fix this transference so I can just live normally and act normally. It's so hard though. Any thoughts?

HUGS if wanted, Kit

Maybe you could try to view her as a peer instead of attaching to the feeling she is above you in the organization. Maybe the hierarchy is part of the reason you see her the way you do.

You could also make a list of every way she is different from your mother. If you see how much she is different, you might start seeing her as a coworker and work friend. Focus on how much she is her own unique person with her own family and in her own part of the country.

I don't know if those suggestions will help. I hope they do.