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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 04:18 AM
  #1
I didn't find a better forum section for this...

So... I'm female, 37, have had serious issues with mental/psychological health since age 28, but basically I've had a partner for 13 years and I'm having a big issue with him not supporting me. This got long, thanks so much for anyone reading this!!


Backstory first... I got together with my partner (he's 31 now, yes younger than me) basically 13 years ago. I was 24 then. I was his first girlfriend ever actually. After 1.5 years of being together, I moved into a condo as I was doing well financially back then, and I let him live with me (he moved countries to be with me). He did do well financially too but I didn't ask him to pay for rent.

Then it wasn't working too well for me living with him, I was very neglected, already getting very numbed out and shut down living with him and I wanted to break up for a long time. When I finally did at 28, is when I got unstable and when my mental illness started. But when living on my own I was stable afterwards though not recovered to fully healthy. But 2 months later he manipulated me to get me back eventually. It was nothing too dark but it was manipulation and I have not trusted him fully since then. He manipulated me into letting him live with me in my condo again. After I let him come back I had a near psychotic break, I had a complete nervous breakdown. He once woke up, took a look at me, said "you're crazy" and went back to sleep. Then I ran to the hospital from that because I was so upset. I left the same evening though to see him, when I came back he was nice to me again and actually even supportive, and then I somehow recovered from all that.

But the next year, 1 year later I had another nervous breakdown losing contact with reality due to him and he called the ambulance and it was all horrible (not going into the details). I never wanted to be close to him after that again because when I recovered in the hospital I realised he had displayed 0 empathy during all of this. That's how I was for years before I was able to have feelings again about him years later.

Anyway fast forward, I've been recovering from all that for years, I still have leftover problems from it and I used up my savings I had from when I'd still been able to work and when I'd still done well financially. Meanwhile, he also went to the USA for a while to work there (I'm in a different country) so we didn't live together for 1-1.5 years. But then we lived together on/off again. We lived together 24/7 for 5 years and on/off the rest of the time. ... Overall, 5 years later I got so well that I broke up with him again and I was without him for almost 1 year. He didn't try to manipulate me back this time. He did have a hard time believing we are actually breaking up but no manipulation. He cried actually and then later just said he would like to stay friends and would accept me back if I wanted to be with him again. He even wanted to marry me too btw but didn't push that too hard (did buy me a ring a long time ago)...



Anyway after I broke up with him, I got so well that I even finished my Msc thesis and started working again though initially it wasn't full time. This was 3 years ago. I was not mentally fully recovered but I was doing almost okayish. My thesis got the best mark too.

Then soon something bad happened, this part wasn't about him, but trauma happened to me that rendered me nearly unable to survive for the last 3 years... I got back together with him again soon, don't ask why. He no longer lives in my condo at least. We live in different cities rightnow and covid makes it hard to meet rightnow. Well in theory we could still meet if I accept being quarantined for 2 weeks, but I can't travel to him because I'm struggling to literally survive trying to work and I'm literally unable to do anything else due to my mental health issues, the old leftover issues and the new trauma. It's a horrible life as it is now and it's been for years.


But the point is that I've been having these issues, and earlier this year, he loaned to me a sum that's equal to about 25000 USD that I wanted to invest so I can eventually have a tiny little financial security (obviously this isn't much but something so I can have something to eat at least). He asked for an interest rate like a bank etc. He said it has to be more than what he gets as savings in the bank. Something like 4% at least. I said ok because I really wanted the loan. ...

More past background here: He did give me a similar amount of loan back then more than 10 years ago when I was still doing well and moved into my condo. He helped me with that old loan. I paid back that loan to him in half a year!!!! I was doing so well back then. We did sign a contract back then and I never read it fully, only later....it turned out it had unfavourable terms for me but it doesn't matter because I quickly paid him back in full.

Also I was stupid enough originally because I had my money in his bank account and when I finally recovered enough to at least ask for my money back years after the hospital episode, whatever was left of my savings still, he refused to believe me that I have much savings even or that it was that much. He refused to give me more than about 60% of it. (Long story, much later I managed to get the rest from him but it was a horrible fight. Never had a fight as horrible as that before.)


He has a lot of money by now, he has well over 3 million USD (!!!!) in assets, stocks etc and works for a prestigious company too that's in the top 10 for Forbes, etc etc etc. When we got together 13 years ago he was penniless. So was I until I started working back then that was a great business for a while but I no longer have savings from that because I used them up when I stayed together with him and struggling with my mental illness. He never gave me any of his money and I never asked. I never asked him for rent when he lived in my condo. But yeah he's got alot of money now.

So with the current loan I did not get as far as even starting to pay him back yet. Then eventually I realised I can't pay him back without wrecking my own mental and even physical health more. I cannot see how I will recover in the near future. So I asked him to just be "charitable" and let go of that loan... I asked him like 2 months ago, we have not got anywhere with it yet.

I know that the horrible fight where the issue was that years before I did not get all my original savings back from him, it ended by me realising he was probably feeling attacked when I started by bringing up how he did not give me some of my money before. So I showed empathy because I could feel for him at that point. He was half asleep by then in bed and said nothing. But a week later or so I asked again and he was fine and let me have my remaining savings. We wrote up some paper about that fine, good.



As for the current loan I got from him this spring this year, it was also horribly hard to have him give a loan even with market terms like 4% interest rate or whatever. We never made a contract for some reason he didn't get to it like he did in the past... So I don't even know what the interest rate is, but I think something like that. There is no written contract, no specific terms agreed upon even verbally, nothing, there is proof only that he sent me bank wire transfers labelled as "loan".

Basically I convinced him to give me the loan when he went on "this is for you to buy an asset so why should you have this loan". And I was like, "you have so many more assets than I do". And then he instantly relented. Saw the rationality of it all or something and he gave me the loan.

So now he is obviously extremely tight with money and hates supporting anyone financially, even when that's the love of his life supposedly (me), but he can respond sometimes to empathy or to rational reasoning, but since I asked him to just let me have the current loan without paying him back, he hasn't been responsive to this request at all.



I cannot find empathy for his pov here like I could in that old horrible argument, as the inequality is so big between us. I have been with him for over a decade, I supported him with love and just by being there with him while my own mental health just got worse from all that. I never even asked him to pay rent for 5 years living together in my condo!!!! I do not want to depend on him financially or have to ask him for everyday money things. He has over 3 million USD in assets and has a high income, obviously at least like 150000 USD a year plus I think stock options. I'm not sure his earnings exactly, but with the previous company he had an initial salary of over 140000 USD salary (in pounds, he's in London) plus stock options 3.5 years ago, then he obviously got some salary increase later. And he earns more at the new company so all in all it has to be definitely over 150000, the average salary for this top forbes company is around 200000 I think. And so on...

But he wants to earn market level interest rate off me with a 25000 USD loan. He said nothing to the fact about how I'm NOT doing well mentally and even physically struggling by now. I want to keep working at least part time even if I was given this money "free" to invest it. It just would make my life easier if he helped me out with this, then part time work would not be so stressful and I could maybe finally fully recover in a few years or something like that. And also, I absolutely do NOT want to be financially dependent on him like be humiliated into having to beg him for money for food or something if I can't work and have enough income. I know how hard it would be to ask him for small money even. I never used his money, I always supported myself financially before until now but I know how he is with money for everyday things, he doesn't like to spend at all except if he feels like it (sometimes with food).

So yeah I just don't have empathy. Rational reasoning didn't work so far either. He just remains silent and says nothing and hopes I'll just drop the topic or something.



Thoughts? On this whole situation. What do you think of him and what would your suggestion be?

Please don't just suggest leaving him. That's not really my plan here. I'm unable to have a relationship with anyone else anyway really, I'm not in that condition. He is at least like family except for this horrible attitude I described.




PS: I put all sums in USD because I assume most people here are American. But it's really GBP (pounds) based in actuality while I am currently in Hungary.

Last edited by tevelygo; Oct 13, 2020 at 04:48 AM..
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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 04:33 AM
  #2
Here was my rational reasoning BTW, along these lines (this is my latest attempt but the previous talk was similar too):



"I don't feel this is you being taken advantage of because I've been with you for very long and I don't want you to earn money off me either
I would not have asked for this type of support if I wasn't struggling so bad with these health related issues
To me it's reasonable enough, you giving me a small part of what you already own (money-wise) to support me, so I have the basic income for a sense of security without having to ask you for more, while still doing part time work with less pressure on me, I'd be able to be with you without being stressed (incl travelling to you) and we don't have to argue afterwards about money either, I could take you out to places too sometimes
I don't feel that that'd be taking advantage of you
If you want to divide up the [~25000 USD] for all the years we have been together it's not a big amount per year even
The only one alternative I could think of is that if I get fully healthy if ever, then I can pay you back the original amount WITHOUT ANY interest rate and that it would be a [different currency, my country's currency] based loan too and the time limit for paying you back is not specified ie can be 10 years, 20 years even
There is absolutely no other alternative I can do but even that not really well as I cannot guarantee I can do it
And you do know you never had to pay rent when you lived with me in my condo
So I wasn't trying to earn money off you, please I don't want you to do that either
Is all this not obviously reasonable to you?
And I really would never have asked if I was doing fine or if I had any perspective of when I would be doing fine again if ever
Please keep that in mind as the most important thing here"


(Yes he accused me of taking advantage of him & trying to unfairly commit fraud etc etc)


PS: When he worked in the US he temporarily shared a house with a female friend who was in the process of divorcing her husband, long story, it's why they temporarily shared the house. And he ended up paying for her part of the rent. She never had to do long arguments to get him to do that. As far as I'm aware he never forced her to pay him back though he was upset that she still wasn't bothering to pay him back. That was a sum of 6000 USD over a few months when he was still in the US.

The woman was extremely overweight so it wasn't sexual attractiveness that got him to give her money like that. (No he doesn't like severely overweight women.) They are no longer even really friends.


So yeah .... I don't know what all this is.
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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 01:39 PM
  #3
Leave.This.Man. Stop all contact and block all his numbers. Do not worry about paying him back, ignore it. He took advantage of someone with a mental illness. You do not need to justify anything. get into therapy ASAP so you can learn about why you are attracted to someone so abusive.

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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 08:20 PM
  #4
I am sorry you have these struggles. My opinion on all this is probably going to be unpopular but here goes

1. He does not owe you rent as you can’t ask for it retroactively. He didn’t pay rent because you allowed him not to pay so you can’t really ask for it now. It’s like giving a gift but then asking person to pay for it. Plus it was a long time ago. You didn’t charge rent then and can’t ask for it now

2. $25000 is a lot of money. If you took it as a loan it’s a loan. You can’t really ask for all of it be forgiven. If you wanted money given to you, then it wasn’t wise to ask for a loan. It’s a lot of money

3. It would be nice if he supported you but most people have zero interest in supporting others. He isn’t your husband or brother or son or father. He is a boyfriend who you don’t live with and don’t even see much. He clearly does not feel like supporting you. Most people don’t want to support other people unless they are related, are a family and other person became incapacitated or something. I’d not support boyfriends. No way no how.

4. I understand you supported him at some point. But you did so willingly so he does not owe you for that. And how long did you support him? He gave you 10k loan 10 years ago at age 21. So it sounds like he was already getting on his feet then, at young age.

5. It sounds like he is doing very well financially. But unless he won a lottery or stole that money, he is earning it. He likely works hard. It’s his. It doesn’t matter if he is a billionaire. It’s his money and he doesn’t have to give it to other people even if it feels like he should

6. It sounds harsh that he charged you interest for a loan. But most people don’t just give others 25 000 with no guarantee for it to be paid back. Most people don’t lend that kind of money to anyone. So charging interest might not be that unreasonable

7. This relationship sounds unhealthy. He doesn’t sound like a good person. I am not sure if you are still in a relationship. It sounds like you two are not seeing each other. Might be time to move on. Not sure what to do with huge loan. If you still have that money, give it back. If you spent it, then I am not sure what to do. But regardless of the money issue, this relationship doesn’t sound right. You can’t make people to do things they don’t want to do and become who they aren’t. It’s better to just move on

Last edited by divine1966; Oct 13, 2020 at 08:39 PM..
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 04:22 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Leave.This.Man. Stop all contact and block all his numbers. Do not worry about paying him back, ignore it. He took advantage of someone with a mental illness. You do not need to justify anything. get into therapy ASAP so you can learn about why you are attracted to someone so abusive.

Thanks for your input. The manipulation was really subtle unfortunately...but yes I'm working on that a lot lately. And it's been helping. Tbh I was also concerned about him going after me for the money but that maybe would just be my being paranoid

But thanks again for the empathy, that really really helps.


(I am still trying to think over your words but I can feel the empathy helping)

Last edited by tevelygo; Oct 14, 2020 at 04:45 AM..
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 04:37 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I am sorry you have these struggles. My opinion on all this is probably going to be unpopular but here goes

No worries, I like directness. & thanks for spending time for this detailed answer.

I'll add a response below and also try to clarify where needed

But first I'd like to ask you to fully put yourself in my shoes before you read on if you want to read on.

Like try to really imagine yourself in my situation, you are having mental health issues and you gave a lot of your life already to your SO and he has 3 million USD that he didn't work hard to earn, and you are asking for a little financial support, a fraction of that 3 million.

If you can't imagine this, that's okay too. But I just don't think there is any point in talking about this then even if I appreciated your previous input and your time



Quote:
1. He does not owe you rent as you can’t ask for it retroactively. He didn’t pay rent because you allowed him not to pay so you can’t really ask for it now. It’s like giving a gift but then asking person to pay for it. Plus it was a long time ago. You didn’t charge rent then and can’t ask for it now
Oh I didn't plan to ask him to pay for the rent retroactively. That fact about the rent was just part of the context/background history.



Quote:
2. $25000 is a lot of money. If you took it as a loan it’s a loan. You can’t really ask for all of it be forgiven. If you wanted money given to you, then it wasn’t wise to ask for a loan. It’s a lot of money
I did not have it in mind to just want the money "free" when I asked for the loan originally. I think I was too optimistic about getting better health-wise but I'm trying to face the fact that I might never. And even if I get better it will still take a long time.

It might be me but if I had over 3 million USD in assets/stocks and my SO of 13 years who's also my first love would need support in such a situation I would give it to them. Otherwise I know there is no explicit law or rule on this.


Quote:
3. It would be nice if he supported you but most people have zero interest in supporting others. He isn’t your husband or brother or son or father. He is a boyfriend who you don’t live with and don’t even see much. He clearly does not feel like supporting you. Most people don’t want to support other people unless they are related, are a family and other person became incapacitated or something. I’d not support boyfriends. No way no how.
He's actually family in a practical sense. He actually calls himself family. He has that sense with me. He's even been allowed to live in my mother's house for quite a long time (about a full year), too. Even when I was not around temporarily, he was allowed to stay at my mother's house. He knew my father before he died and my father felt like he was a son to him more than his actual son (my brother). etc. He really DOES have that feeling of being family. I don't know if that makes sense.... That expensive engagement ring I still got too......

I do live with him, just not right now/not continually right now. We lived continually with each other for many years.


And yes I am incapacitated enough so that made me consider asking him for this support.

So... he is NOT just a random boyfriend. I would like you to take that in as a fact or there is no point in talking about this....Even if I do appreciate your previous input and time otherwise

The other fact to take in is that I am too incapacitated or I would not have asked otherwise. I was not asking for some luxury.



Quote:
4. I understand you supported him at some point. But you did so willingly so he does not owe you for that. And how long did you support him? He gave you 10k loan 10 years ago at age 21. So it sounds like he was already getting on his feet then, at young age.
5 years

EDIT: I actually realise now that I feel like you are downplaying my contribution to this relationship/to his life.....I contributed a lot. I gave a lot of my life to him....This downplaying of it bothers me very much


The old loan was also around 25k, funnily enough

I was also getting on my feet lol because I paid him back in 6 months

I was still doing well back then.

Also we seem to have a very different moral framework because to me reciprocity is important, if I did something for a close relation of mine, then they do owe me in a sense, in the sense that it will create a serious imbalance and will make the relationship unmaintainable if they do not reciprocate the giving.

Relationships are about reciprocal give and take, not just about giving or just about taking. If you disagree that's fine, it's in your right to disagree but then in that case I don't think there is any point to discuss this topic anymore, even tho yes I appreciate your time&previous input



Quote:
5. It sounds like he is doing very well financially. But unless he won a lottery or stole that money, he is earning it. He likely works hard. It’s his. It doesn’t matter if he is a billionaire. It’s his money and he doesn’t have to give it to other people even if it feels like he should
He did pretty much won most of the 3 million USD

(Not in the lottery but no, he did not work hard for it.)

Edit: Also you DO REALISE he gave 6000 USD easily to this other woman over the period of a few months? They weren't even in a relationship

How do you exactly make sense of that fact ????



Quote:
6. It sounds harsh that he charged you interest for a loan. But most people don’t just give others 25 000 with no guarantee for it to be paid back. Most people don’t lend that kind of money to anyone. So charging interest might not be that unreasonable
You need to understand he has over 3 million USD and you need to understand that we are family

Or no point in talking about all this



Quote:
7. This relationship sounds unhealthy. He doesn’t sound like a good person. I am not sure if you are still in a relationship. It sounds like you two are not seeing each other. Might be time to move on. Not sure what to do with huge loan. If you still have that money, give it back. If you spent it, then I am not sure what to do. But regardless of the money issue, this relationship doesn’t sound right. You can’t make people to do things they don’t want to do and become who they aren’t. It’s better to just move on
We did not see each other lately because of my being incapacitated while trying to work to support myself and thus being unable to travel. I did tell him this too

You are right that this relationship is very imbalanced as it is now. I am changing many things in my attitude and awareness and I want to see if the balance can be restored. That is the only reason I am still around after realising the same things you told me i.e that this relationship is really wrong in many ways

But yes it's like if he just wants me to be fully dependent on him in a relationship that's all on his own terms then I'd rather just go and live on benefits or something if I had to, ... basic independence is more important than anything, I'd just die in such a relationship, it would be too abusive


Thanks again.



EDIT....One more thing. I don't think I fully understand something in your take. Is your pov that this relationship is not right for several reasons, one of the reasons being that he is unwilling to help with this financial support? But at the same time you are saying that I just have no legal right to the money i.e that I don't have a way to formally enforce the reciprocity? Because yeah sure I agree that there is no formal way or such (though then I don't know why you would try to point out such an obvious thing)

But also if that's your pov then I don't understand why you also said things like you wouldn't support a boyfriend or that most people wouldn't. Like it felt like you downplayed our relationship and downplayed my contributions to this relationship and downplayed his 3 million

So all that doesn't add up



But please only respond to me if you can put yourself in my shoes and do honestly ask yourself if you would not be upset or angry or depressed or how you would feel in this situation yourself

Last edited by tevelygo; Oct 14, 2020 at 05:15 AM..
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 05:10 AM
  #7
I emphasised that bit now on the 6000 USD given by him to that woman who was a loose friend.

I plain just feel like I somehow made myself invisible in this relationship and that's somehow what's causing all this absurd situation now where *over 3 million USD* isn't enough to give 25K for a mentally ill SO after more than a full decade of being together

And I don't wanna any posts here that try to make me even more invisible THANKS
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 06:27 AM
  #8
I do understand that it would be reasonable and nice if he helped you financially.

But sometimes there is a difference between what we expect from a relationship and what relationship really is. In those cases relationship just isn’t right for us. In my opinion this relationship is not right because you expect something from a person who isn’t willing to give it. He just isn’t that person for you. The reality is he isn’t willing to help you. I understand what you are saying about feeling that he has to help you. .

As about not supporting other people. I am just being realistic. Based on my experience people usually aren’t interested in doing so. Giving someone a bit of money or buying them food and necessities is one thing, giving 25k is something very different. Even if people are very wealthy.

I am not saying it wouldn’t be nice if he gave that money. But what we want and what really happens doesn’t always match. When it doesn’t match, we have to move on because it’s just too stressful to hope for things that aren’t going to happen. You can’t get water out of a stone, so to speak

No clue why he gave that woman money. How does he explain it?
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 08:57 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I do understand that it would be reasonable and nice if he helped you financially.

But sometimes there is a difference between what we expect from a relationship and what relationship really is. In those cases relationship just isn’t right for us. In my opinion this relationship is not right because you expect something from a person who isn’t willing to give it. He just isn’t that person for you. The reality is he isn’t willing to help you. I understand what you are saying about feeling that he has to help you. .

As about not supporting other people. I am just being realistic. Based on my experience people usually aren’t interested in doing so. Giving someone a bit of money or buying them food and necessities is one thing, giving 25k is something very different. Even if people are very wealthy.

I am not saying it wouldn’t be nice if he gave that money. But what we want and what really happens doesn’t always match. When it doesn’t match, we have to move on because it’s just too stressful to hope for things that aren’t going to happen. You can’t get water out of a stone, so to speak

No clue why he gave that woman money. How does he explain it?

OK I see your pov a bit better now. I understand you are saying that people have a certain essence to them and that relationships end up at some specific sortof power balance ...

I don't know though what you thought overall as to what I was looking for here. Did you feel I was just complaining, or wanting to keep hope without taking concrete action, or?

Also the thing is I don't know where you live (in the USA?) but where I live, wealthy people do easily support their SOs (even if not married). I've known Americans too who do this.

Also, afaik the average yearly US salary is about half of this 25K so it's not like some terribly big amount compared to the 3M. Granted, I never had 3 millions either so it's definitely hard to imagine.

He doesn't say anything about why he gave that money to the woman .... He had weird excuses really, my suspicion is that the woman knew how to emotionally affect him for this. I'm not really good at that ...

Anyway I'm curious what you thought I was looking for with my original post. Thanks
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 11:30 AM
  #10
I do live in the US but prior to that I lived in Europe. In my experience people don’t just give other people money, especially large amounts, on neither continent. Yes some people support their spouses if one stays home with young children or someone became disabled etc people also support their kids when they are young or elderly parents and so on. I rarely ever met people on either continent who supported others in different circumstances, even if they were wealthy.

Some people do support others of course but it’s not common at all. Usually these things are discussed ahead of time when people enter committed relationship: how are people going to split finances and in what circumstances they’d support each other. Then people see if they are compatible. Looks like he doesn’t believe he has to support you. I don’t think you can change his mind

honestly I’d be livid if my husband gave some woman 6000 or even 600 or even 60. That would be absolutely ridiculous. But we share finances and household bills and have common financial plans etc Our money belongs to us both so we can’t just throw it around without consulting with each (of course we spend what we want with regular purchases but not with large amounts like thousands of dollars!)

But your boyfriend likely felt he can do what he wants with his money. He doesn’t think it’s something you two had to discuss or that money belongs to you both. He is who he is. Do you think he is capable of changing?
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 01:07 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I do live in the US but prior to that I lived in Europe. In my experience people don’t just give other people money, especially large amounts, on neither continent. Yes some people support their spouses if one stays home with young children or someone became disabled etc people also support their kids when they are young or elderly parents and so on. I rarely ever met people on either continent who supported others in different circumstances, even if they were wealthy.

That's your experience then. Mine differs.

Also, you mention support for disabled people. I'm pretty much that category.



Quote:
honestly I’d be livid if my husband gave some woman 6000 or even 600 or even 60. That would be absolutely ridiculous. But we share finances and household bills and have common financial plans etc Our money belongs to us both so we can’t just throw it around without consulting with each (of course we spend what we want with regular purchases but not with large amounts like thousands of dollars!)
I was livid too because I never asked him for any money and then there was this woman suddenly who got more from him than I ever did. ...


But again, he has over 3 million dollars, he can throw around a lot more money than average people lol



Quote:
But your boyfriend likely felt he can do what he wants with his money. He doesn’t think it’s something you two had to discuss or that money belongs to you both. He is who he is. Do you think he is capable of changing?
No, he doesn't think the money belongs to us both in general. He said he would pay for food and essentials if I needed that but I don't want to beg for that, I know it would be a fight to ask for money even if he says he would be willing to help if I'm completely unable to work. He does have a will where he specified how much I'd inherit (a lot) but that's not really something on my mind. My mental illness and my struggles with it are in the here and now and not in some far future if I even stayed with him that long, if our relationship worked out that well. You asked, I frankly don't know what he is capable of changing, I just know I myself am changing (as a result of really hard work on myself for several years), so the relationship balance (or lack of balance) cannot stay as it was before, so I want to see what comes out of that.


EDIT: Actually thinking about that. He did say something like the money belongs to both of us...BUT he controls it all. Is a better way to put it. Does that makes sense?
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 01:58 PM
  #12
Are you two planning to marry or live together? Well honestly situation with my husband and me is very different. It’s literally OUR money. Our savings and our bank account. If you two aren’t married and don’t share household and don’t have mutual bills, I think it’s a bit different. I did have serious boyfriend at some point but i did not consider my money to be his. I don’t think he had rights to claim my money was his. It wasn’t his.

Yes people often support disabled family members but they do it if they want to. Some people do and some dont. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to. We can talk about it how we’d like things to be but that’s not how things are in your situation. Yes some men support women financially. Not your boyfriend. So you can either look for a man who will support or hope he’ll change his mind.

You said he might be willing to help. Then you have a chance. He might be willing to help you with money. It won’t hurt to ask
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 02:01 PM
  #13
You said he has 3 millions so he can give it to people. Sure he can. But he doesn’t want to. So that’s the bottom line. You can’t make people do things you think they should be doing. They either do or they don’t.
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 06:18 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Are you two planning to marry or live together? Well honestly situation with my husband and me is very different. It’s literally OUR money. Our savings and our bank account. If you two aren’t married and don’t share household and don’t have mutual bills, I think it’s a bit different. I did have serious boyfriend at some point but i did not consider my money to be his. I don’t think he had rights to claim my money was his. It wasn’t his.

Yes people often support disabled family members but they do it if they want to. Some people do and some dont. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to. We can talk about it how we’d like things to be but that’s not how things are in your situation. Yes some men support women financially. Not your boyfriend. So you can either look for a man who will support or hope he’ll change his mind.

You said he might be willing to help. Then you have a chance. He might be willing to help you with money. It won’t hurt to ask

Quote:
You said he has 3 millions so he can give it to people. Sure he can. But he doesn’t want to. So that’s the bottom line. You can’t make people do things you think they should be doing. They either do or they don’t.
I already listed these facts:

- We've been engaged
- We shared household for long years, currently we don't because of my being stuck in a different country atm

And I don't understand why you think you need to explain to me repeatedly like I'm a two-year-old that people want to do things or don't want to do things etc...

I mean I did ask you above: what did you think overall as to what I was looking for here. Did you feel I was just complaining, or wanting to keep hope without taking concrete action, or? It now sounds like you thought that I just wanted to talk about wishful thoughts. ??
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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 08:22 PM
  #15
I can’t answer your question. I am not sure what you were looking for. I have no ways of knowing. All I know is what you posted. You described on and off relationship with a man who mostly treated you poorly and refuses to support you even though you think he should support you and it’s a common thing to do in your experience. If after 13 years of knowing him, he continues to treat you poorly and refuses to support you, I am not sure if you should waste time and energy on making him into someone who he is not.

If you think he might improve in his treatment of you and his desire to financially support you, then of course you could give it a try. But I personally think and know from long life experience (I am quite older than you) that it’s a waste of time hoping for people to change.

If it’s common in your area for men to support women, then you might have a better luck finding such men instead of hoping that this one changes his ways. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is interested in doing so. Plus he isn’t nice to you.

I wish you the best of luck
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Default Oct 17, 2020 at 12:15 AM
  #16
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Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
I can’t answer your question. I am not sure what you were looking for. I have no ways of knowing.

I asked because it felt like to me that you had an assumption about what I was looking for. So can you clarify as to what assumption you had about my intention with posting this thread? Because clearly you had one.

And just to clarify, my intention was to hear from others on how they see the situation. My intention was not to be told trivialities about people. My intention was not to keep hoping or whatever you had in mind, lol.


Quote:
All I know is what you posted. You described on and off relationship with a man who mostly treated you poorly and refuses to support you even though you think he should support you and it’s a common thing to do in your experience. If after 13 years of knowing him, he continues to treat you poorly and refuses to support you, I am not sure if you should waste time and energy on making him into someone who he is not.
Who said that I tried to change him for 13 years? I said that I'm finally changing stuff for myself, so I'm becoming active in this relationship. I was passive until now. And it will lead to wherever it will lead.

Quote:
If you think he might improve in his treatment of you and his desire to financially support you, then of course you could give it a try. But I personally think and know from long life experience (I am quite older than you) that it’s a waste of time hoping for people to change.
I don't hope, **** hope, I never cared about hope LOL. Just so you are very clear on this one. Because your assumption is annoying.

Quote:
If it’s common in your area for men to support women, then you might have a better luck finding such men instead of hoping that this one changes his ways. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend is interested in doing so. Plus he isn’t nice to you.

I wish you the best of luck
Again, I'm not hoping for anything. Clear yet?
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Default Oct 17, 2020 at 04:14 AM
  #17
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Originally Posted by tevelygo View Post
I don't know though what you thought overall as to what I was looking for here. Did you feel I was just complaining, or wanting to keep hope without taking concrete action, or?
I dont think @divine1966 had any thoughts on what you were looking for. I cant speak for her but my guess is that she thought you wanted an opinion which is why she gave hers.

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Default Oct 17, 2020 at 04:19 AM
  #18
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Originally Posted by tevelygo View Post
I already listed these facts:

- We've been engaged
- We shared household for long years, currently we don't because of my being stuck in a different country atm

And I don't understand why you think you need to explain to me repeatedly like I'm a two-year-old that people want to do things or don't want to do things etc...

I mean I did ask you above: what did you think overall as to what I was looking for here. Did you feel I was just complaining, or wanting to keep hope without taking concrete action, or? It now sounds like you thought that I just wanted to talk about wishful thoughts. ??
Again, I cant speak for @divine1966 but as I understood it, you were asking for opinions and she gave hers. I do not think she was trying to explain anything to you like you were a two year old. She was being direct. You didnt say what you were looking for when you posted this(and you dont have to), sometimes we have to ask for what we need.

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Default Oct 17, 2020 at 04:21 AM
  #19
I really do not think anyone had any assumptions with your thread, I know I didnt. I shared what I did because it is what came to me and I assume the same is for @divine1966. Again, I dont know what her intentions were but she is very honest and direct so maybe she thought that is what you were looking for.

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Default Oct 17, 2020 at 06:55 AM
  #20
No assumptions. Just asking your question. You asked and I answered. You said you wanted to hear how others see your situation. Since you wanted to hear it I replied to your question by telling you how I see your situation. That’s what you asked.

I see a man treating you rather poorly for many years and not supporting you financially despite the fact that you want him to support you and think he should. Just answering your question on how I see it.
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